I just want to have one of those days, you know? A pajama day, though not necessarily in pajamas. Just a day that goes hmmm, hmmm, hmmmm in a sing-songy way, a comfortable, meandering day of easy activity with no particular structure.
But I have this boy; this boy who seriously needs structure to stay cool. Needs to know the next item on the agenda, on and on. Not that he knows this about himself, but I, his Mama, feel it in his behavior, and thus deliver it to keep him even and happy and peaceful. And it's minute-after-hour-after-day-after-day of AGENDA - first we will this and then we will that and before you can this, you need to these and those.
Really, both of my kids absolutely crave to be one step ahead at all times. Bean asks me most nights as I tuck her in, Mom, what are we doing TOMORROW?
And in my head I'm like Dude, all the information I can currently muster up about the future is that I am fixing to lean over and kiss your forehead and then I'm going to will my tired feet to walk me to the bathroom where I'm going to sit down on the potty indefinitely, by myself, and let the buzzing in my tired head and ears subside. After that, and well into 2023, it's pretty much anybody's ballgame.
Don't worry. I don't say that. (That would explode Bean's head. It totally would. Like - KABAM!) Most days I'm in the position to advance both of my kids their requisite next step. Just not the days like today, when I'm brain-fried and body-worn and longing for wide-open mental spaces and soft, cozy physical places in which I can find simple, restorative repose.
Some days I yearn for a day of freedom from knowing, caring, gearing up for, being in charge of what's next, Mama.
Do you want those days? Do you have them?
(Do I sound whiny?)