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Friday, November 18, 2011

Rusty.

I miss writing.

I miss the kind of thinking that I do when I'm writing.

I miss stretching beyond what's righthere (flat hand touching the end of my nose) to see what's under there, or around this, or behind that.

So why do I not write?

I think it's because I'm too consumed with DOING to think much about it. One romantic, attached husband. Two busy, engaging young kids. A household (is that all it is? Just ONE? Because it feels like more than one on a good day.) Friends. Family. It's all good, but it never stops, you know?

For the past howevermany years, I've had this thought in the back of my mind: Once this [mwrrrrrb] (remember that sound from The Electric Company?) is over, I'm going to just settle down and [mrrrwb.] And the first [mrrrwb] is usually kid-related, or on occasion season-related, or house-work related. And the second [mwrrrb] is usually something I love to do but don't do almost ever, like blogging/writing, or reading, or watching movies, or napping, or creating, or just eating Nutella and Cheez-Its out of the jar/box.

Truth is, lately I get the feeling that the second [mwrrrrb]s aren't ever going to happen after the first [mwrrrb]s, because life? It is one first [mrrrwb] after another. And unless you just agree with yourself to forget about one or two first [mwrrb]s, the second [mwrrrb]s will remain where they are, banished into maybesomeday.

And so, I decide to sit down maybesomeday and determine which of the first [mwrrrbs] must wait for my wantings, my myownself things.

I sit here and write. Cram oddly cumbersome, now-who-was-i-again fingers onto keys that have grown tiny. I'm always only halfway there and gut-wishing just a few heart-beat words into a brain full of foot-steps and door-slams and phone-alarms and whoops!-too-quiets. I even lean hard into the screen to try and capture myownself, and pray for that wash-over-me I still recall but that now most often flatly refuses easy coaxing around the efficient jumble of a woman's laundry-basket-dirty-dishes-what-did-you-need-agains.

I flip the screen; plop another halfway-done insight onto Facebook and am evermore whisked away.

There was more. There's always more.

But it can wait. It can wait.

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12 comments:

  1. and we can wait for it. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  2. Me too. I love the way you point out that the first things are always there, even when done. Lots of life I guess. I love that there is more Al on the blog. Y'all make me smile.

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  3. When your family is all grown and gone, everything will be quiet, clean, and DONE, and you will still have plenty of time to write. I know when you are going through it, it seems like the season will last forever, but it doesn't. I can look at young family life from a different perspective now, and what you are doing now is so worth it. The other things will still be there when another season arrives. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  4. I miss your writing, too! I am glad that I know you on facebook, but knowing you there isn't the same as knowing you here!

    I have found that when I do not allow time for my "second [mwrrrrb]s" then I am more likely to be grumpy and unhappy. Not in an obvious sort of way (I mean, I am not stomping around or slamming doors), but in a just-under-the-surface kind of way that only I notice, but which starts to (negatively) affect my opinion on everything around me. Even though I know this, I still find it difficult to admit that I cannot do it all or that I need time for myself. 15 minutes isn't SUCH a long time, but it can make a huge difference.

    Of course, the PEOPLE in your household (and life) should come first, but guess what - you are PEOPLE too! It is okay to say "Hey, I love you all, but I need some ME time!" and then lock yourself in the [whatever room you prefer] and write, or read, or watch movies, or nap, or eat Cheez-Its out of the box. You deserve it!

    I absolutely love that family photo. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I am hoping that it is framed and sitting out somewhere that everyone can see it. You all are such a good looking family!

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  5. LOL. Thanks y'all. I love this picture of everyone but me (and isn't that how it always goes?) It totally captures Al and the kids exactly how they are when I go all squishy with love for them inside, if that makes sense. Me? I look a bit more dorky than even I can be comfortable with (it was cold and I had on every piece of clothing I'd brought on the trip to try to stay warm), but then again, the way I'm leaning in so dorkily next to their perfectly sweet, funny adorability is very much our familial REALITY. ;)

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  6. 1) Your family is beautiful. Always, always.

    2) the {mwwrrb} has caused me to get myself up out of bed at 5 AM every morning to pursue writing. That's the ONLY time/way I get any of it done.

    3) That's not for everyone, I understand. And also, it can all wait. Absolutely.

    You know what I would STILL love to see you do? And maybe now that e-books are more and more The Thing, maybe it could come to fruition? I would LOVE to see you create one of those cookbook/memoir-ific-essay books. I just think you are so suited to that. Food + family + memories + healing + hope. You could rock that, you know.

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  7. What a great picture! Just look at all that happiness.

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  8. I've missed your writing too, Meghan, but that's not to put pressure on you. Just to say that you have such a fun and funny style that I enjoy.

    As someone who is a little bit further down the road than you and someone who is NOT a good multi-tasker, I just want to say to hang in there and concentrate on the what's-right-in-front-of-your-face stuff for now. Write when you can (we'll be here!) and love on those kids and that husband of yours. That's what will last anyway.

    I'm finally finding time to do the things I love, and it's funny, as soon as the time opened up, God led me down another path. So I'm still not writing as much as I'd like, but someday . . .

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  9. We miss your writing too!! My favorite thing was always to discover you had written a post. To tell you the truth, I am here today because I was trying to figure out how to start a post and I thought, I must go to Megan (a writer worth modeling) and see how she might start it....and so I'm here.

    Side Note: Could he look more like his Father in this picture? SO ADORABLE of ALL!!!

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  10. well now, my beautiful dear, with one awesome looking family, and a really cool blog name that I happen to enjoy deeply, for very small keys, or was it very small fingers?, well whatever the issue, I really do feel that not having the time or not knowing what to write or simply missing the writing so that you can uncover who ever it is you are, happens to suit you well, because this post, my dear, says so much and yet so very little, and it has me captivated and nodding my head "yes" through out it all, and well, I just really love all that you said and all that you didn't because I get every single moment of it.

    and shut up. you look HOT in the photo :-)

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  11. I know exactly what you mean. I get the urge to write and it's like...but...I have so many 'urgent' things to do - I heard something once about balancing the urgent & the important...wish I could remember more about it, but I do try to keep in mind that not everything 'urgent' is truly important. :)

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Thoughts?