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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

To Hold Me All-Together

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I'm not gonna lie to y'all, January just about pulled me under.

I'm supposed to be one of the funny bloggers, I think? Maybe over time I've built that reputation, that expectation? You tell me. But I'm not in a very funny place right now, and every day I open up this box to write something and what comes out flatly refuses to giggle, or snort, or even, sometimes, crack a smile.

We've had a lot of bad news in FriedOkra-land, and despite the fact that I can feel the hope and even see the joy in much of what January rudely shoved into our lives, I struggle internally to pinch and pull a glistening drop of my own brand of sun out through the pallid, cloud-filtered light of my overcast heart. And the sunless actuality of the month gone past my window has made basking in the blahs seem prescribed.

Yet my hands crave the keyboard and my mind begs to swoosh out onto the screen in a quiet, downward-home flow, like a winter-cold mountain stream against smooth stones, finding its way out in clinging gravity-falls to join a larger pool of understanding and connection. So I write naked posts, like this one, and I post them, and then I un-post them, because the vulnerability terrifies me, and the fear of disappointing sucks my breath away. Hours later, the SAVE AS DRAFT button saves my life. I feel an aching disconnect, though, even in the moment my lungs re-inflate, from the this-is-me me I've hoped to become in this space.

Sometimes I go here: "I think I'll start an alter-ego blog, where I can let out all of these things that aren't of sun and shine and pastel-blue, porch-swing, sing-song chatter." (A place where perhaps even I won't view my dark days as down-fall.)

And then I go here: "One day I'll just courageously put all of me in one place, and then wrap my own arms around me, to hold me all-together."



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11 comments:

  1. Oh, Megan. I wish we lived closer together. I'd bring you a big pot of soup, some fresh bread, and some brownies. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. (((HUGS)))

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  2. Oh my honey, what can I say?
    I wish things weren't so rough for you right now :(
    Hang on in there, we're all sending virtual hugs your way xxxx

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  3. Most of us have been (or will be) through some very rough seasons too. It helps to know that we all have company. Just keep being yourself. The hard times make your joy and sense of humor all the more remarkable.
    Nancy

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  4. Perhaps this will bring some light to your not-so-light recent days:

    Saturday, February 5th is World Nutella Day. (No, I am not kidding.)

    Hope you celebrate the day to its fullest!

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  5. Hang in there! Grief does eventually become bearable (except for those "moments"), and spring will come! Buy yourself a big bunch of flowers for your dining room table and cuddle up with those darling kiddos!

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  6. Now see, that is a beautiful post right there. They don't all have to be funny. Not for me, anyway. Life is not always funny.

    Best to you.

    Nate's Mom

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  7. I know you've had a tough month and you can't be funny - and that's ok.
    It's good to be let people know what's really happening with you. That way people can be praying for you.

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  8. Put your trust in God, He is the one holding you and will keep you through the trials

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  9. You have certainly been tried and tested this month.

    Treat yourself to a sunny day. Turn up the heat, turn on some Jimmy Buffett, cut on every light in the house and dance, dance, dance!

    p.s. Glad to hear you posted then deleted....I thought I was losing my mind when what I thought I read wasn't there the next day.

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  10. Listen up, my friend. This little circle you've gathered here through the years, this is a circle that loves you for YOU. The entirety of you. No one - NO ONE - can be sunny and happy and funny all the time, day after day, month after month, year after year. God has gifted you with a delightful gift for words and you have the responsibility to let those words go to work, no matter how dark the season may be.

    Writing it out is cathartic, and it's real, and it's necessary.

    Please don't ever think you are pigeonholed into this one-dimensional character. You are fully 3-D and we are fully here to walk through this with you.

    (The title of this reminded me of one of my FAVORITE Bible verses, from Colossians 1: "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." I am praying He will wrap His arms around you and hold you together.)

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  11. I've been meaning to come back here and comment, so better than than never. I needed to read this again tonight. I just love how you've put it. Thank you.

    Steph

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Thoughts?