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Friday, February 25, 2011

Moses.

Occasionally...

Okay, pretty much always?

I wish I could hole up here in my office at my computer and not make actual face-to-face contact with the outside world. And it's not because I don't love people. I do LOVE people. I love their faces and their stories, their laughter, joy, tears, cleverness, wit, and each individual's unique and amazing perspective on life. OHMYGRANNY do I love all that and the people who own it all.

But I'm the consummate fly-on-the-wall type. I'd give anything to have the superpower of invisibility. An impossibly-blended shy extrovert, I'd choose to walk among people unseen and to soak up their goodness -- listen, understand, enjoy.

And never need to speak a word of my own.

I do wish to be heard, though, as, you, my friends, know. I actually enjoy attention, I have things to say; my mind whirls with connection, empathy, profound love and occasionally insight, a clear and generous wisdom. A clever (but ever so slow) wit.

I'm just not a speaker.

I'm a writer (ish). In my white box, I'm the me I wish I could take on the road. The me I want to set free at parties. But my brand of conversation requires, as you know, long, rambling, image-filled monologues that spend long minutes, at least, in the crafting. And OH! perhaps most daunting: There's no delete key in a brief exchange across the street with a neighbor. No back-space back-space think think think re-type allowed in the fast-lipped, fast-brained banter at parties.

I spend a lot of time regretting and inwardly apologizing around this permanent fuzzy-socked mouth-foot God gave me. I have fears of meeting people I've learned to love through blogging/writing (and who have perhaps learned to love the white-box me) and seeing their disappointment in the-spoken-Megan register -- a visual deflation, a mouth-corner/eyebrow uh-oh. I'll be honest and tell you that does happen. My fears have real foundations in life-experience. You know, though ... I've learned to accept that in an extremely comfortable place. I'll continue to work on getting better at the spoken word, but I understand I'm not Most Likely to Be A Scintillating Conversationalist.

And it's truly a liveable measure of self-honesty. I'm not asking for sympathy - I'm telling you my completely comfortable truth.

I feel blessed to have a means of communication that keeps my own mind's pace and allows for the silent consideration and re-jiggering my words require before I let them leave me. Imagine if I couldn't find the right words to write, either?

Are you like me?

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12 comments:

  1. Very much like you. That may be the reason I stopped blogging for a while. Just because I struggled with the dichotomy of my inner thoughts not matching the face the real-life people get to see. Life is always a balance in that respect though. Being true to oneself...
    But, no matter what your Voice says about you...we all know the truth. You are a kind, loving, sweet-natured, charismatic woman with the best sense of humor. I, for one, am truly grateful to read your words and know that you are like me and I am like you and the world just seems so much less lonelier for that!

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  2. I'm ALWAYS afraid to meet new people. Which is just a FABULOUS trait when you move every 3 years and don't have the luxury of just hunkering down in the neighborhood and never meeting new people.
    I have been told that I write better than I speak, too. Kind of a gut-punch, but it's always meant as a compliment, and I understand that.
    I will speak for all the FriedOkra fans out there and say that we are glad you "speak" through your computer. :) Hope y'all have a better, HEALTHIER weekend!

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  3. Yes, I am very much like you. Only nowhere near as talented and funny at writing. And I think my fear of conversation isn't quite as deep. I like being in smaller scale social settings (2-3 couples is good), or one-on-one with a close friend. But larger gatherings with dozens of people. That is where I really clam up. And new people. I'm very shy around people I don't know yet.

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  4. Do you know, I think I'm the opposite!

    I am never afraid of meeting new people, in fact I love it. I'm in my element on my own at a big party of strangers!
    It's not that I'm an amazing conversationalist in real life, its just that I find face to face much, much easier.

    I have caused upset and put my foot in my mouth with people in blog-world much more than in real life. Also having a brother who is a writer means I never feel my writing skills are ever going to match up so I don't even really try! I just find that I can never seem to get across what I really mean or think when writing. :S

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  5. I am oh so much like you! My husband calls me a "pentium processor" because I need time to gather spoken words before I can release them. I have so much more to say in writing than in person.

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  6. Oh yes! I am! That's JUST like me! :) Nervous about the "when they REALLY meet me, they'll think...." too. I do not think I will be disappointed WHEN we meet though. I haven't got you on a pedestal, but you are just a lovely human being, and I know that won't change in a "real life" meeting! (Neil and I randomly searched real estate in your area last night! He asked if I could pick a state, which would I live in. I said Illinois, and he asked what Illinois had in it, and I said, "Megan." :) )

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  7. First, you are not writer (ish). You are a WRITER. :-)

    Second, I think I probably tilt the other way. I love to write, but I'd much rather just sit and TELL you a story. I love the discipline of writing, and putting words to paper in a concrete way helps me process and develop and discover what's going on in my own brain.

    But if blogs could go virtual, I'd probably be a more consistent blogger.

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  8. Such wonderful, sweet comments. I want to respond to you! I really do. Leave your email for me, Angel!

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  9. I am a mixture -- at a party, I love to find two or three people to really have a great conversation with. But I hate walking into a room full of people I don't know, or having to make chit-chat with people who seem not to be able to talk about real things. But as I get older, I'm having less fear about being myself with whoever I'm with . . . not everyone needs to like me, and I'm okay with that in my old age. :o)
    Nancy

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  10. I am the exact same way! Too shy and tongue-tied in real life to even speak in most cases. Always kicking myself after the fact for what I said or didn't say. Happiest behind my keyboard and monitor.

    You summed it up so perfectly!

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  11. This is just like ME...but... I can't write and YOU do that beautifully!

    I can have a 5 minute phone conversation, hang up, then think about what I said, if I said it right, did I talk too much, too little...OH BOY! I think my big problem is always trying to be Little-Miss-People-Pleaser. This can really drive a girl CRAZY!

    Thank you for sharing your heart:)

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  12. I get it. I feel more 'me' when I am writing than I ever do when I am talking to someone. I wish that I could somehow find a way to merge my two selves, but I do not see that happening any time soon. For now, I try to be content with the fact that I have at least 2 places (home and my blog) that I can be me completely.

    Also, I wanted to thank you very much for your last comment on my blog. It meant a lot. xoxo

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Thoughts?