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Friday, February 4, 2011

Devil with the Red Jammies On

You'd think, looking at his face, he'd be content to cuddle and give baby bear hugs and blow kisses and eat homemade whole wheat pita chips with organic salsa and play with hand-crafted wooden toys made by his granddaddy's granddaddy.

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And that'd be your first mistake.

This face belongs to the child who, no matter how high or how cleverly you hide it, can and will locate the crippled remote lock to your 1997 beater car (the car that you love anyway because it's paid off and it fits your butt like a well-worn catcher's mitt) and engage both lock and alarm, and then simultaneously "lose" the remote and disengage its battery.

So that when you FINALLY get your sad-sack, IDON'TWANNAGOBACKTOSCHOOLMAMAI'LLMISSYOUTOOMUCH kindergarten kid fed, dressed, tooth-brushed, hair-styled, booted, scarved, mittened, jacketed and backpacked and ready to get into the car for the ride to the bus stop in the TWELVE DEGREE WEATHER, you can't get into the car, because it's locked, alarmed and poised to throw a holy hissy fit if anyone (that anyone, of course, being your sad-sack kindergartener who is already tearful and pathetic) innocently and obediently touches a door handle to climb inside.

And of course, you won't be able disarm the car, because on the one hand, you can't find the remote, (WHERE IS THE REMOTE, PEABODY? you shout above the din of the alarm and the shrieking of the terrorized kindergartener. I NO NOOOOOO, MAMA! he sings back, smiling gleefully.) And on the other hand, even if you should find the remote, say, an hour later after you have rushed your sad-sack and now completely terrorized kindergartener down the street to get on the bus as she trembles and weeps pitifully, and returned to flip the entire house upside down and shake it furiously, you won't be able to use it, because its battery will be dead.

And so you will be forced, as the deafening honking and blaring continue out in your garage, to listen to language that you haven't heard spoken since your Dad one time cut off the tip of his finger while using the table saw out in his garage.

And you will be further startled to determine, after several looped repetitions of these enormously creative angry epithets, that they're spewing from your own mouth.

Ah, but finally, in a moment of brilliance, you'll brutally dismantle your last working garage remote with implements you find in your nail-care box, as vile words continue to issue from your mouth, and you'll rip out its battery, place it in the car's remote, removing and replacing it several times over to get it jiggled into the correct position to restore functionality, and you will finally, and firmly, shut off the blasted car alarm.

Then, and only then, you will breathe a long, slow, shuddering sigh of resignation and relief and sit down to blog about the whole experience.

Whereupon that same cherubic face will appear at your side, covered above and below in baby powder, and its teeny, sweet-looking white-caked lips will part, and it will chirp out in a baby-fresh scented cloud, HI MAMA. YOU WIDDEW #$@&^%!




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15 comments:

  1. My daughter blamed her kids for losing not one, but both sets of keys to their car after remotely starting it! Luckily, they had another vehicle and were able to turn the car off but it was almost a week before they found the keys. One set was actually in one of my daughter's purses that had fallen behind something in the closet and the other was in my granddaughter's little play back pack.

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  2. Oh dear one of those days! You're starting to realise what an easy time you had with Bean aren't you ;)

    Sorry she's still not fully back to herself :( hope she's happy and smoky again soon, and that Peanut gives you a break!

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  3. Obviously that was meant to read "smiley" not "smoky"!

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  4. Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for sharing this story. This is so hilarious! Only because I can relate on so many levels...

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  5. Oh my! You've had quite the morning. Glad you are still able to blog about it.
    Just think of the joy you will have in telling this story to his kids in years to come. That will be sweet revenge!

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  6. Oh he is such a busy butt!!!! But, he's so darned cute!

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  7. Oh gracious! What a story. Here's to a relaxing QUIET night to decompress after that morning!

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  8. Oh, TOO funny!

    And I thought my kids were bad, because they keep not closing the doors of my car firmly, and then when I venture forth to leave the house, my key in the ignition accomplishes absolutely nothing, because my battery is now dead.

    Again.

    Frustrating, but not enough to lose my Christianity over! ;P

    Hope your nerves are on their way to repair...

    Jeanne

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  9. heehee! Good thing that face is so stinkin cute!!!!! I am still in shock how fast he is growing up! I use to read your blog regularly then I disappeared from the land of blogging. I enjoy your stories!

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  10. That's a boy that looks just like his mama :)

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  11. Awww...I'm sorry it's been such a wretched week! :o) He probably missed his routine, too, and that's why he's causing so much trouble. Dang weather! Mother Nature just doesn't know the havoc she has reaked!

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  12. Hope your nerves are on their way to repair...

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  13. oh ..it is so great to see your humor again ..however I love to hear from in any way you are feeling.I am so sorry for what you have been going through but thank you so much for keeping us informed and staying in touch ..we want to know how to pray for you always.You are sooo talented. I don't often write because I would be saying over and over write a book , you are sooo talented but I did want you to know that we want to hear from you..through the good and bad
    much love
    Diana

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Thoughts?