Wednesday, December 29, 2010


We went to the grocery store Monday, Bean and Peabody and I, which is crazy because OHMYGRANNY how could we need anything food-wise after the GRUBFEST of the holiday weekend? Nevertheless we did need things. Staples. Meds (we are all sick with colds, as is our Christmas custom). Milk for hot cocoa. So we went. And Bean hasn't come to the grocery store with me in a long time, since she's normally in school when I sally forth to the Jewel.

We walked in, and the first thing she did was pick up one of those little balloons on a stick. You know the teeny tiny ones? She got one for herself and handed her brother one, which he proceeded to brandish on and about my head the entire trip around the store, yelling, BOP! BOPBOPBOPBOPBOP! and yes, it about drove me crazy but? It kept him from craning his whole torso heavily from one side of the cart to another and stretching himself out like a post-nap kitten to try and reach stuff he saw that he just. couldn't. live. without.

Bean, on the other hand, followed me around, using her balloon as a magic wand. With a flourish, she made items appear on the shelves - the milk, the Ovaltine, the loaf of bread, the ditallini (that one took some doing!) - just before my fingers reached for them.

And it's trite, but I'm saying it anyway: I double-wish. I quadruple-wish! That I could hold a balloon-on-a-stick magic wand in my own hands. Right now, (as ever), I look around me - just around me in my own tiny little life! - and see so many difficult situations, so many hurting hearts, so much illness and pain and suffering; death, divorce, sickness, despair, depression, loneliness, anxiety, boredom and beaten-down-ness, misunderstandings and misrepresentations, and just ... miss-ing. And I quadruple-wish I could wave a pink Care Bear balloon over all of this and make it stop. MAKE IT STOP. Even my own little wounds and aches and not-understandings, though they pale in comparison to some of the other problems and heart-holes that gape awkwardly out at me from the faces and voices of people I care about (and people I don't even know), ... I'd (probably) put myself last, but in the end, I'd finally wave a wand over ME.

And oh, how I wish I had a cheery philosophically-minded bow to wrap up a post like this - God is in control! He's already written the ending to each of these stories! He's bigger than the biggest chaotic hair-ball of pain and envy and suffering and unfairness! Even though I do believe each of those things with all of my heart (and most of the time I walk through life in trust and hope that may appear ridiculous to some), today I want to wrest that wand away from His hand and, not because I want the power or glory of it for myself, just because I want the end to suffering to come NOW, I just want to wave it.

Wave it hard and high and mightily over everything and everyone, to clean it all up and make it stick that way forever. Put the broken back together, infuse the hopeless with delight, wipe the despairing clean and shiny with promise, restore the down-trodden to liberating joy. Survey the peace around me and breathe, finally, a sigh of relief.

I'm not big enough. I know this. I can't see the real truth in it all and my solutions would mix together wrong because I'm not Him.

But I still want to wave it.

I still do.

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  1. Wow. I like this. A lot.

    And I call it "the Jewel" too! :)

  2. You have such a sweet, caring heart! I love that while getting groceries with 2 kids, you are thinking about helping others.
    I loved this post.

  3. LOVE your blog Megan.
    What is it about blue and while that just makes you feel good??

    I also loved your words and your heart.

    I want to "wave it" also!


  4. I think you should realize that you do, in your own way, wave a wand over people. You have done it for me so (very!) many times. You have given me insights into situations that I would not have reached on my own. You have lifted me when I was down. You have made me smile on days where I really did not believe it possible. And I cannot tell you how many times you have alleviated my boredom with your amazing writing!

    My therapist told me a story once, when I was telling him how painful it was for me to be unable to help EVERYONE that I saw who needed help. I'll summarize...

    After a storm there were thousands of starfish stuck on the beach. A man was picking them up one at a time and tossing them into the ocean. Another man came by and asked him, "What's the point? There are too many here to make a real difference." And the first man picked another one up and, as he threw it, he said, "It doesn't make a difference to you or to me but it makes all the difference to that one starfish."

    I don't know. I appreciated that story and something tells me that you can too. You can't help everyone, Megan, no one can. But you can help someone and that matters A LOT, whether it feels like it to you or not. Love you. xoxo

    P.S. Sorry for the novel!

  5. You HAVE waved your magic wand over me today. Thanks for this post. I LOVED it! And most of all, I just love your caring heart.

  6. Megan,

    What beautiful words describing the longing of your heart--and mine too. So hard to stand helplessly by while friends suffer. We want to rush in and DO SOMETHING, while often the thing that is needed is to know that there is nothing we can d...except pray to the One who holds that wand and will wave it in His own time. Or never, which is even harder to know.

    Blessings, friend. Thank you!!


  7. Oh, don't I know it. You know I know this.