Now I'm not recanting or anything. It's out there and I said it and I meant it and I'll say it and mean it again, I'm more sure of that than ever. And there is no shame in feeling insignificant. It's one of, if not THE great human dilemma, isn't it? We all feel it: the working mamas,the stay-at-home-mamas, the daddies, the neurosurgeons (I guess. Are there any neurosurgeons readin' this who can confirm that? No? Yeah, I kinda thought not, but anyway.) every one of us deals with feeling insignificant at some point. You kind of have to, don't you?
But I've been schooled this week, y'all, and insignicance? Is a LIE. It's a big, nasty, evil lie spoken into our lives by the world to dim and destroy who we're capable of being and what we're capable of doing in God. I've been thinking about it SO MUCH since I wrote that post and I've reflected on all of the wonderful, insightful, TRUE comments there and I've been praying and looking for the real truth (because there is always a real truth to tromp on the power of any lie, don't you know?) and the real truth is that I am SO VERY SIGNIFICANT. You are too. And when we feel anything other than significant, valuable, FULL OF PURPOSE and meant for great things, we're measuring ourselves by the wrong standards. We're measuring by HUMAN standards.
This past bout of insignificance for me, I think, has been brought on by my hard-headed insistence on looking to the people and things around me define who I am. And then further complicated by my struggle to make myself significant by doing things on my own to prove to others how amazingly smart and strong and brilliant and fabulous I am. All on my own.
OH YEAH! JUST ME HERE. NOTHING BEHIND THE CURTAIN. FABULOUS, AREN'T I? MMM-HMMM.
Lately (Okay, mostly. OKAY! Always.), I've been all about my own glory. And when the world around me has refused (as it will most of the time) to stand up and take note of my glory and bow to acknowledge just how amazing and astounding I am, I've been crushed, downtrodden, defeated and broken by the the lie that comes back, time and time again: NAH. YOU ARE NOT ALL THAT. YOU ARE NOTHING, REALLY.
I'm fundraising and I'm blogging and I'm Twittering and Facebooking - I'm putting myself out there into the World and every time I don't get a new donation, don't sell a cookbook, don't get a reply or a "re-Tweet," don't get a thumbs up on my status update, a little chip of my man-made significance falls away. The Blissdom attendees are all loving on one another and sharing beautiful pictures and recapping and being residually fabulous and sought-after, and I AM NOT SAYING ANY OF THAT IS WRONG, PEOPLE, meanwhile I sit here in complete unfabulousness, not having had real conversation with another adult in a week, wondering what that must feel like, to be that significant to so many other people. Wishing I could feel that way. Wishing for the success, glory and value those women appear to have in spades.
But those? The next big donation? The coveted re-tweet? The fabulousness and fame? Those are all temporary, human, things. Things of a broken, fallen world. I've had, and will have again, my eyes focused in the wrong direction, and each day I continue to seek a "fix" to my insignificance by "dings" on my computer or dollars into my fundraising account or praise from the lips of the people around me, is a day I write myself a prescription for certain pain, meaningless and emptiness. None of these things, even if they are showered upon me, will ever satisfy me fully or allow me to experience my TRUE significance, because these things aren't the things that matter. What matters is my value to God. He made me, He calls me to a purpose, He loved me deeply and profoundly BEFORE HE EVEN CREATED THIS CRAZY WORLD. And He means for me to have significance and impact that is completely personal, un-duplicatable, unique and eternal. It can't be taken away, it isn't one-size-fits all and I don't have to have the right shoes or a catchy tag-line to tap into it and have it shine from me every single minute. I don't have to spend my days or my money or my life's energy trying to convince people of my worth. I don't have to earn the right to be here.
That's been done for me already.
I am God's child - He's made me to be ME and no one else and to Him, and with Him, I am precious and perfect and I CAN BE JUST LIKE HIM.
Why on earth would I ever want anyone else's definition of significance (including my own) placed upon my head?
Now, lest you think I came to all of this on my own, allow me to share something I found (totally randomly but, of course, not by accident) today and immediately devoured. IF you are feeling as I have been feeling and IF you REALLY want to NOT FEEL THAT WAY IMMEDIATELY. Go listen to these Beth Moore sermons on "God's Purpose for You." (You'll have to scroll down a bit on the page to the links underneath Beth's biography to get to the links.)
And y'all? Be prepared to have those bootstraps yanked right up. Be prepared to KNOW your worth, even if it's just for a minte or two and you've got to go back and listen/read those scriptures again 400 times to quiet your human doubt. Be prepared to laugh and to cry, because you will do both!
I didn't listen to the full 20-sumpm minutes of each of these audio links - I skipped to Beth's sermons and turned them off when she was done speaking. I think once you've listened to all three clips it's a total of about 12 or 13 minutes of total lesson, but it's 12 or 13 minutes well-spent if you're in need of a little reminder of who you ARE and who you can BE and WHO'S YO DADDY.
And who doesn't need a little bit of THAT perspective, from time to time?