OHMYCOUSINFATIMA is it exactly what I've been lookin' for/needing.
I'm a Presbyterian (Frozen Chosen) so it just goes against EVERYTHING in my being to raise my hands in praise or worship but I'ma tell you right now, I've been reading this book with one hand and keepin' my other hand tucked between my knees because it WANTS TO FLY UP IN THE AIR AT THE END OF ABOUT EVERY PARAGRAPH. OH YES, SIESTA! YOU TELL IT! AMEN.
I want so badly to sit down and write blog post after blog post about it but right now the answer I get about that is NO. Or maybe NOT YET. So I will tell you that I love this book and what Beth has to say so far and that if you so much as suspect you may be dealing with even the teensiest bit of unhealthy (because maybe there are some kinds of insecurity that are healthy?) insecurity, I hope you will consider taking a peek at this very heart-felt, passionately penned and researched book.
But speaking of Beth Moore, I wanted to tell you how much I really appreciated the support and honesty that y'all shared in the comments on my post The Ultimate Perspective. I always hit Publish on posts like that with a quiveringly heavy load of trepidation riding on my shoulders, because hey, I am the last one qualified to "preach" anything, so I just expect people (with deeper Biblical knowledge than I possess, aka just about everyone) to criticize and point out where I've gone wrong or just click away because WHO IS THIS WOMAN TO TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT GOD WHEN SHE SO CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW GALATIA FROM GALGOTHA (Do you see why I need Beth's book?) (Or do you just see why I need a concordance?) or for the non-Christian readers to think "Oh here we go! She's going to trot out her Jesus show again. Clickety-click, b-bye!" So hearing that those words were helpful and that you could relate to them was very encouraging for me and I feel so blessed to have spoken with you in a way that did some good and didn't turn you away.
With all that said (in a very long and verbose way), I also wanted to share JUST ONE MORE sermon of Beth's with y'all, which is available at the same link I gave you on the other post, but is the FOURTH link in the sermon series entitled "A Refuge in A Storm." I point you to that segment of the sermon specifically because so many of you said you are right where I am in the "insignificance" place (a very difficult place to be, Mama) and then from ensuing conversations I've gleaned that you're not only feeling what I feel, you're livin' what I'm livin', which is a life very full of small people and small activities, and that in addition to insignificant, you are also feeling TIRED and perhaps a bit empty inside from all the constant pouring yourself out for these small people, even as much as you love them and WANT to be doing just that.
There is a line that Beth speaks in this part of her sermon that just went ZING, right into my gut. I'll have to paraphrase it but you will hear it for real when you listen:
"If you are doing it day in and day out but not FEELING it, you need a BREAK from it."
And that is me. I am doing it these days. I do all the Mama things. I do basic needs, I do smiles and cuddles and kisses and I even occasionally get down and play with my kids. But there have been more than a few times lately (and chronically) that I hold a child close to me and kiss a head and stroke away a tear and say, "It's okay, no blood, no broken bones, you're going to be fine. I'm sorry that happened," and my body and voice may be doing the right things, but my heart just feels NOTHING. No compassion, no empathy, just sort of a dry, dusty, hoarse emptiness. It's almost like I have to choke out the right words, because inside I just basically, gutturally wanted to ignore that sad little hurting person because I'm just DONE that day. That's just an example (one that is horrifying to confess), but I think as Moms (or as servants of any sort) we can probably all relate to just having poured out so much of ourselves that finally we go to pour out a little more and there's nothing left in us to pour.
Well, this snippet of sermon validates that numb/empty/dry feeling as a human feeling but also as one that God Himself recognizes and wants us to bring to Him. (You see, I hide it. When I feel that way, I won't even tell Al. And I certainly won't pray. I won't get in front of God because I feel so ashamed of not being full of gratitude for what He's given me - I don't want God to discover my heart in that condition, and what I'm learning now, finally, is that THAT is one of my biggest mistakes.) Going to God to be filled up, well, that's a message I've heard before but never, ever in my life has it been so relevant and never have I heard it delivered in a way that really, clearly felt so meant for me right where I am in life. If you're here with me, I hope you will give Beth your ear for about 4 or 5 minutes. I think you will feel lighter and less guilty (I feel hideously guilty about my emptiness) and your feet might find a path that gets you to a better, fuller, more connected life among your little people.
Y'all, I feel so pulled lately to speak my mind about the HARDER parts of being a Mom - to open up a little and let the light shine on my vulnerabilities in a way that makes other Moms (Dads?) feel less alone, less ashamed of any similar feelings they might have. But I never, ever want to go down a whiny or negative road with y'all (I save that for Al, the poor man) so if you feel me pulling you DOWN instead of helping to lift you UP, you will let me know, right?
No you won't because you're too sweet for that, so I guess I'll just have to be vigilant, won't I?
Now go listen to Beth, okay?