Thursday, February 18, 2010

And They'll Be Coming for My Presbyterian Card Later This Afternoon

I'm about a quarter of the way though So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore and y'all?

OHMYCOUSINFATIMA is it exactly what I've been lookin' for/needing.

I'm a Presbyterian (Frozen Chosen) so it just goes against EVERYTHING in my being to raise my hands in praise or worship but I'ma tell you right now, I've been reading this book with one hand and keepin' my other hand tucked between my knees because it WANTS TO FLY UP IN THE AIR AT THE END OF ABOUT EVERY PARAGRAPH. OH YES, SIESTA! YOU TELL IT! AMEN.

I want so badly to sit down and write blog post after blog post about it but right now the answer I get about that is NO. Or maybe NOT YET. So I will tell you that I love this book and what Beth has to say so far and that if you so much as suspect you may be dealing with even the teensiest bit of unhealthy (because maybe there are some kinds of insecurity that are healthy?) insecurity, I hope you will consider taking a peek at this very heart-felt, passionately penned and researched book.

But speaking of Beth Moore, I wanted to tell you how much I really appreciated the support and honesty that y'all shared in the comments on my post The Ultimate Perspective. I always hit Publish on posts like that with a quiveringly heavy load of trepidation riding on my shoulders, because hey, I am the last one qualified to "preach" anything, so I just expect people (with deeper Biblical knowledge than I possess, aka just about everyone) to criticize and point out where I've gone wrong or just click away because WHO IS THIS WOMAN TO TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT GOD WHEN SHE SO CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW GALATIA FROM GALGOTHA (Do you see why I need Beth's book?) (Or do you just see why I need a concordance?) or for the non-Christian readers to think "Oh here we go! She's going to trot out her Jesus show again. Clickety-click, b-bye!" So hearing that those words were helpful and that you could relate to them was very encouraging for me and I feel so blessed to have spoken with you in a way that did some good and didn't turn you away.

With all that said (in a very long and verbose way), I also wanted to share JUST ONE MORE sermon of Beth's with y'all, which is available at the same link I gave you on the other post, but is the FOURTH link in the sermon series entitled "A Refuge in A Storm." I point you to that segment of the sermon specifically because so many of you said you are right where I am in the "insignificance" place (a very difficult place to be, Mama) and then from ensuing conversations I've gleaned that you're not only feeling what I feel, you're livin' what I'm livin', which is a life very full of small people and small activities, and that in addition to insignificant, you are also feeling TIRED and perhaps a bit empty inside from all the constant pouring yourself out for these small people, even as much as you love them and WANT to be doing just that.

There is a line that Beth speaks in this part of her sermon that just went ZING, right into my gut. I'll have to paraphrase it but you will hear it for real when you listen:

"If you are doing it day in and day out but not FEELING it, you need a BREAK from it."

And that is me. I am doing it these days. I do all the Mama things. I do basic needs, I do smiles and cuddles and kisses and I even occasionally get down and play with my kids. But there have been more than a few times lately (and chronically) that I hold a child close to me and kiss a head and stroke away a tear and say, "It's okay, no blood, no broken bones, you're going to be fine. I'm sorry that happened," and my body and voice may be doing the right things, but my heart just feels NOTHING. No compassion, no empathy, just sort of a dry, dusty, hoarse emptiness. It's almost like I have to choke out the right words, because inside I just basically, gutturally wanted to ignore that sad little hurting person because I'm just DONE that day. That's just an example (one that is horrifying to confess), but I think as Moms (or as servants of any sort) we can probably all relate to just having poured out so much of ourselves that finally we go to pour out a little more and there's nothing left in us to pour.

Can you?

Well, this snippet of sermon validates that numb/empty/dry feeling as a human feeling but also as one that God Himself recognizes and wants us to bring to Him. (You see, I hide it. When I feel that way, I won't even tell Al. And I certainly won't pray. I won't get in front of God because I feel so ashamed of not being full of gratitude for what He's given me - I don't want God to discover my heart in that condition, and what I'm learning now, finally, is that THAT is one of my biggest mistakes.) Going to God to be filled up, well, that's a message I've heard before but never, ever in my life has it been so relevant and never have I heard it delivered in a way that really, clearly felt so meant for me right where I am in life. If you're here with me, I hope you will give Beth your ear for about 4 or 5 minutes. I think you will feel lighter and less guilty (I feel hideously guilty about my emptiness) and your feet might find a path that gets you to a better, fuller, more connected life among your little people.


Y'all, I feel so pulled lately to speak my mind about the HARDER parts of being a Mom - to open up a little and let the light shine on my vulnerabilities in a way that makes other Moms (Dads?) feel less alone, less ashamed of any similar feelings they might have. But I never, ever want to go down a whiny or negative road with y'all (I save that for Al, the poor man) so if you feel me pulling you DOWN instead of helping to lift you UP, you will let me know, right?

No you won't because you're too sweet for that, so I guess I'll just have to be vigilant, won't I?

Now go listen to Beth, okay?

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  1. Thank you for your honesty and encouragement. I relate, relate, relate! And, for me, these posts have been encouraging and uplifting in that I don't feel alone and look forward to hearing the words that encouraged you because maybe/most likely they'll encourage me too. Also, I love me some Beth Moore. I may just have to pick this book up! Again, thank you.

  2. Yes, I can relate! :) You saw my Twitter post today...I was ready to be done. And I still had most of the day ahead of me.

    I'm reading BM's Insecurity book, and it's awesome! I'm on chapter 3 right now, and it's so good. For me, as I'm dealing with a hurt, tired, or needy baby, I'm battling the "I just wanna blog and make my blog better" kinda desires. Which totally leaves me feeling guilty. Oh, He's got some work in me to do. Glad to journey with you!

  3. Just keep speaking truth, sister. Keep speaking what you feel led to say. Everything else will work itself out.

  4. I agree with Megan@SortaCrunchy. I think your willing heart is such a beautiful aroma to the Lord. I know it is to me!! I'm going to get that book! And listen to some Beth on the net. Thank you for sharing! xoxo Julie

  5. Megan, something in this post just pulls at my heart. Maybe it's because I'm weary to the core of my bones with this pregnancy. Maybe it's because we're in the middle of Corey's travel season. Maybe it's because I feel like we are too new here (still) to know anyone to seek help.

    But lately? I haven't felt it most of the time. I'm just surviving. I'm just trying to make it through the day. I am dry, husky dry, brittle and cracked.

    I haven't thought about saying it quite that way to God. Thank you for the reminder that He can fill me up. You are a good friend.

  6. You see? THAT'S why I read your blog. You are so honest and dead-on... and sounds like you appreciate Beth Moore as much as I! You (she) nailed it... if I don't feel it, I need a break from it. Amen and amen.

    Signed, Daneen (long-time lurker)

    (PS-reading her new book too. Wow. Our church is doing the simulcast of it in April. CAN'T wait.)

  7. I always appreciate it when people are truthful about all the parts of being a mom -- the times when we do have the "gooey" lovey feelings, and the times we're burned out and wondering if what we do matters. That's why we're not supposed to do life alone -- we need Christ, and we also need other people to point us along the way. I hope you feel the freedom to share whatever you're led to -- I will really appreciate it!

  8. Megan,
    Fabulous! I am in a different place as my kids are older now, but when I moved to my current home in OR I was feeling all the same things. On top of everything else I was 'church shopping' for my family. I walked into Westside Church and heard they were starting a new Bible Study the next day with FREE childcare. I tell ya I never loaded my kids all up so fast the next morning! It was the first Beth Moore study I had ever done and I swear that woman was speaking to my very changed my life. I have since done 6 more and each one teaches, touches and exposes me in different ways. Keep on your path of discovery, it's amazing! Oh, and they came and took my Methodist card as well, but it's ok :)

  9. I don't think you need to worry about seeming unknowledgeable, I didn't even know what a Presbyterian was till I read this post......sounded to me like a dinosaur! Blush.

    Obviously I don't personally believe in any god, being a Humanist, but I think anything that advances our knowledge and understanding of our history and ourselves is a good thing. I'm happy you're gaining so much from your reading :-)

  10. Megan,
    Do not be dismayed! This too shall pass (words I know you have heard before). But they are honestly so true. And, you're not alone. All mama's feel it.
    I had 3 under 4. I didn't get out of my pj's before 3pm most days. I was a nursing, nose/butt wiping machine. Some days....when my husband would come through the door, I'd hand him a child and say "here, I have to pee!".

    I literally didn't think I'd ever see the day of "freedom" and I prayed to be a mama....HARD! It's all I ever ever ever wanted to be.

    Now, they are all teenagers. My oldest is in his first year of college and my 2 girls are students at my high school. It's glorious! But.....I kid you not, I say it every single day.

    Enjoy it. This very morning, I had to hug my sweetboy goodbye as he took off to head back to college. As I looked UP at him....I reflected on all the busy mornings I spent feeding him, cleaning him up and rocking/singing/reading & kissing on him.
    I'll cherish every hard & tiring moment. more thing.

    If you think the work you are doing in your life right now doesn't matter! IT DOES! You can certainly tell who the kids are that mama invested her time in.
    My heart melts everytime someone finds out I'm the mother of one of my kids.
    God is so good, sister!

  11. Geez, I just ran into this....after I left your blog and I had to share it.

    It's just a what's to come!

  12. You are doing nothing but encouraging me! I swear!

  13. 2010 競馬予想 各厩舎・調教師から届けられる最強の馬券情報を限定公開!本物の オッズ 表はコレだ