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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

And Then As Library's Oldest Patron Ever Blew Past the Front of My Truck, I Accidently Backed Up and Sat on The Horn

I felt SO BAD, people. I wanted to climb back across and get out, claw my way over to her to apologize and make sure her heart was still beatin' and everything, but the situation bein' what it was, I felt it best to just cut my losses and beat a hasty retreat out of there.

And I suppose y'all want to hear the rest of that story, don't you?

Yes, of course you do.

Well, alrighty then.

On a particularly windy day last week (and by particularly windy I don't mean blustery, I mean as will blow off all of your body hair), I took both kids to the library, our little barn-shaped public library into which so many books and other forms of media and fellow book-and-other-media-lovers are crammed that once you step inside the front door you've gotta take a number to BLINK, Peabody bucking hard in his stroller (he's already at that stage of babyhood where he WILL NOT BEND IN THE MIDDLE so when he's in his stroller, he looks a little bit like Hannibal Lecter bein' wheeled around standing up on that little hand-truck-ish thingy, you know what I'm talking about?) and Bean with Teddy in his mei tai on her back and her little pink be-jeweled library bag slung over one arm.

I navigated my posse cautiously through the too-tight stacks and the tippy-overy-lookin' periodical shelves and on through the double doors into the children's area, and Bean picked out a slew of "books" (I don't accept anything bearing the designation Rug Rats or Nickelodeon as actual literature, do you?) and then I chose REAL books FOR her (ahem), as Peabody remained propped diagonally, almost hovering ABOVE his stroller, only his shoulders and the backs of his calves touching, his behind held as FAR away from that seat as he could stretch it, grunting with all the frustration intrinsic to being SEVEN MONTHS OLD and STILL TREATED LIKE A BABY, HMPH!

We then slithered and inched our way back out to the front desk where I hoisted Bean up and down, up and down, from floor to counter, as she unloaded her bag of books for checking-out purposes and then up and down again as she put them BACK into the bag, Peabody now beginning to sound the up-with-this-I-shall-no-longer-put alarm at a frequency high enough to make everyone's eyes water (and we could only blink back those tears one person at a time, remember). I pushed him, him still standing against the back of his seat like a piece of plywood, over to a tiny corner where, without actually bein' able to move my own arms, I managed to get Bean into her coat, re-affix Teddy to her back, gather up the heavy sack of books, locate my keys and then point us all, Peabody's two stubbornly protruding feet first, through the front door and out into the jagged razorblades of freezing cold wind.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN! I shouted over the gale, STAY ON THE SIDEWALK WHILE I GET PEABODY IN THE CAR!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? she wailed back.

THE SIDE. WALK. (Furiously pointing as the words were nearly blown back into my mouth.) STAY ON THE SIDEWALK FOR A MINUTE. DON'T MOVE.

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAY! she called back, as Teddy, in his mei tai, was whipped upwards and around to repeatedly slap her in the face. She stumbled momentarily but remained upright.

I opened Peabody's car door and shoved him, pressing down hard on his midsection, into his car seat, as he kicked and flailed, shaking loose a sock which the wind grabbed and carried immediately off to parts unknown. Probably somewhere in Canada. Once he was fastened in and angrily screeching his total, utter disgust with the situation, I wrestled the stroller into its folded position and struggled head-on with the wind to open the tailgate of the truck and deposit it inside, while keeping one eye on Bean, who I remained seriously fearful might be lifted up and blown across the street and into the parking lot of the new municipal complex at any moment.

Stroller stowed away, I fought my way back to Bean and grabbed her just as her feet began to leave the ground. I made my way to the other side of the car to discover that another library patron had parked well to the right of his allotted slot, leaving a space about as wide as a slice of dried-up raisin bread between his vehicle and mine. I could open Bean's door about a half an inch. We looked at each other and rolled our eyes simultaneously.

On the other side of the truck again, we both hauled ourselves up through the passenger door and she crawled over the console and back into her booster seat, as Peabody wailed on hysterically. I made my way over the &%#* parking brake and into my seat just as Bean reminded me, loudly, You still gotta BUCKLE ME UP, Mama.

Si-i-i-gh.

Which is how I ended up backwards in my seat, leaning over the console, my front half bent awkwardly around to reach Bean, directly behind me, re-roll her frickafrackin' seat belt (remember, THIS ONE?) ALL THE WAY BACK IN, to the FINAL STUPID MILLIMETER, seethe-seethe, pull it back out, fasten it literally with the very tips of my fingernails, tighten it up, all the while feeling, and I'm pretty sure HEARING, essential components of my skeleto-muscular system giving way, never to be quite the same again.

(I'm like a sad old un-stretchy Stretch Armstrong whose polymers have been fully compromised by too much time in the burning sun, stuck up and forgotten in the back window of the Plymouth, is what I am.)

Which brings us to where I sat back and accidentally deafened, and potentially ended the life of, a sweet old lady, with my right buttock on the steering wheel.


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40 comments:

  1. So stinking funny! I have tears rolling down my face!

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  2. I'm laughing over here! So nice of you to get yourself into these predicaments to share with yoru public!

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  3. hilarious!! i did that while trying to nurse a baby in the drivers seat in the parking lot of target. only then it was the baby's bottom that blew the horn!

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  4. Oh, Megan, I NEEDED a good laugh today. You have such a way with words; I could just picture all of this happening to me sometime next year when my kids are at the same stage. Oh, the unwritten "joys" of motherhood...

    And I'm sure that poor old lady is fine. She probably said, "HMPH!" and though a few unkind things your direction.

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  5. gosh darn it girl- you are too dad-gum funny! I can just see the sweet old lady- she was probably standing in front of the truck watching the entire scene!

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  6. I agree with Beth@Sportsmomma. That lady was probably laughing her hear off and hopefully thinks that you "honked" her on purpose, so SHE feels bad, too. I did not know that you drove a truck. Aunt Joy

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  7. Oh, car seats, vehicular acrobatics. Why have I never before now realized what great blog fodder that could be?

    Well done. :)

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  8. That poor woman! lol But I had to laugh. This post had me captivated from the beginning to the end.

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  9. Ahh. Now it all makes perfect sense.

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  10. I think you should write a book.
    Yes.
    I'm serious.

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  11. I could hardly read this for cracking up so much! Absolutely, wonderfully written. For the record, I think we've all had to do this turn backward maneuver a time or two, though I have never sat on the horn!! But you can be sure if I ever do, I'll think of you!

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  12. The only thing that would have made this story better would have been a picture of Mr. Peabody in his stroller...though I have a pretty good picture in my head!

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  13. Oh my goodness, that is too funny. Poor little elderly lady!

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  14. Going to the library is never the experience we want it to be, is it? My baby girl apparently hates it. All the quiet and calm is markedly different from our house that she feels she must make it more like home and proceeds to cry the whole time we are there. But we keep on going, because I love books and so do my kids, thank the good Lord.

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  15. I am a new reader of your blog - and you've absolutely made my day! I will be back!

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  16. And to think, you get to do it all over again when you return the books! :)

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  17. I'm thinkin it can only happen to you, maybe the wind ( gayle force )blew the honking sound clean away before causing to much damage to that little ole' lady... To funny!!

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  18. The hannibal description too funny. This made me laugh the whole way. Thanks for sharing.

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  19. HA! Ha Ha!! I so needed a good laugh today. Thanks for providing it.

    My dog honks the horn at me every time I leave him in the car.

    Nate's Mom

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  20. Great story- you have such a gift for telling them! :)

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  21. Oh Man...Only you Megan I swear.

    We had a windy day that lifted Boo a little bit, scared the crap out of me.

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  22. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now. I think this is one of your best posts ever. You definitely have a gift for writing.

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  23. LOL that was a beautiful story!

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  24. Megan-it's nice to have you back! You really should write a book. Your writing is as funny as Bailey White or Fannie Flagg.

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  25. Lady, you have a gift with words and this was hilariously written! I could imagine every bit of it as it happened...

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  26. This is GREAT! I love it. I am a big believer in prayer and have thanked God many times for the gift of words and writing that you have. You have blessed so many. There are many of us that are experiencing a low point in our lives and it's a pleasure and a joy to us to have your bright spot in our lives. We need you.

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  27. Oh darlin, I have to remember not to read your blog at work, it's hard to pretend I'm doing something constructive when I keep cracking up!

    Hugs,
    Steph

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  28. Oh Megan... how do you do it? You are the funniest blogger ever.

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  29. You have officially made a pregnant woman laugh until she...well, I won't say. You get the idea, though!

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  30. Oh no you did not say Mr. Peabody is 7 MONTHS OLD?! When and what the?! Are you sure? Really, really sure. Cause, you just had the little guy. Funny story BTW!

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  31. I know that will-not-bend-in-the-middle move. I've had to perfect my karate chop, that's for sure.

    Hysterical post, Megan. The wind must have brought some fresh inspiration.

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  32. That was absolutely hilarious. Bless the old lady's heart. She was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    I blame the whole situation on the jerk who parked too close to your car...

    And I agree with all the rest...this post just might be your best!!

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  33. I just wandered to your blog for the first time today, and this is the first entry i've read. If they are all this GREAT, I have a new blog addiction! Super entry!! Thanks for sharing!

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  34. Hilarious! I love the way you structured the story, ending first. Very CLEVER!!!

    Jeanne

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  35. Girl, you make our crazy trip to the farmer's market then the library last week look TAME.

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  36. Found your blog through "Five Minutes for Parenting"...and think that it was the best internet find thus far today!

    I am in Canada, if you are ever here, you can pop in and get Peabody's sock.....

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  37. This story cracked me up! And you know what one of my favorite parts was? The part where you said, "Well, arighty then." Let me explain ... a few months ago, I discovered that this phrase can convey a multitude of meanings, all dependent on your tone and facial expression. Just try it. Say it happy, say it sad ... say it frustrated, or say it mad! My sister and I have taken this as our "special" phrase (it comes in real handy when our mom or kids do something frustrating ...)

    Anyway, loved the story and loved reading that we speak a similar language! :)

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  38. Gurl, you make-a me laugh. Was on The Twitter and hadn't seen your face for awhile. Thought I'd pop in!

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  39. Oh my goodness - hilarious story.

    And Bean carries her bear in a mei tai? Too cute! :) Have you put pictures up of this???

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Thoughts?