And then I read Steph at Adventures in Babywearing's recent post, When I Can't Meet You Halfway and realized that maybe I'm not alone in feeling the way I'm feeling, and that maybe if I blogged about it, it'd help me. Maybe it'd even help someone else not to feel so alone or abnormal or guilty.
Here's the deal. I'm spent, people. The difficult(ish) pregnancy, the unexpected C-section, the adjustment to a whole 'nother little human being in my family, the Bean starting preschool, the husband starting a new job and commuting over an hour each way while studying full-time for a degree (who is nevertheless still amazingly helpful and supportive, of course, for the record), the sleepless nights, the long blurry, bleary days, the endless work of running the household, the attempts to keep up with my blogging commitments, the being a thousand miles away from family and the familiar, the harsh weather, the flagging economy and its added strain on Al, the body not bouncing back the way I'd hoped it would after Peabody, the endless maternal guilt about not being able to properly balance the needs and wants of both my children - all of this has just worn me to a frazzle.
I'm just sorta, well, I'm toast. Not always physically, but certainly emotionally. Certainly. Emotional toast.
And it's weird to me because I feel more depleted now than I did in the months immediately following Peabody's arrival. It's blindsided me more because I honestly thought I was out of the woods a long time ago. My confidence in my own ability to just suck it up and DEAL has been dealt a harsh and stinging back-handed blow seemingly out of the blue.
Now don't get me wrong, I know I'll be back. I'm like the durn phoenix or the cat with nine lives - I just keep comin' back, time after time, thanks to God's grace and an undefatigable resilience I inherited from both sides of my family. I'll even be stronger. I know this. But right now? Well, right now I'm just out of gas.
The thing is, none of this means that I don't need people or that I don't long for company and friendship, or connection to the world around me. In fact, I probably need those things now more than ever before. It's just that the part of me, the lively, creative, out-going Megan who loves to entertain, loves to step up and join in, loves to be the life of the party, loves to plan fun events and bring people together? Well, she's just necessarily been set aside so I can take care of what needs to be taken care of every day utilizing my depleted energy source, or on the worst of days a rusty, dusty creaking old back-up generator.
So this Megan who might look (and sometimes feel) like a woman holing herself up and away from everyone and everything is actually the same old Megan, who just doesn't have it in her to meet her world halfway right now, but looks forward with eagerness to being a fully-functioning part of it again and in the meantime hopes her world can find a way to meet her where she is.
Do you know this place? Have you been here? What did you do to get back to "normal?"