Wednesday, November 5, 2008

And Since Then, Skirtless Skatin' Scandal Barbie Has Mysteriously Disappeared

(Alrighty, for some reason we couldn't make comments to this post earlier, but I've rejiggered some things and I believe that rectified the matter.) (I said that real calmly, didn't I? You'd never know from how I said it that I'm up at 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING working on my BLOG because NOT BEIN' ABLE TO GET COMMENTS HAS KEPT ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT!)

Bean and I went to McDonald's this weekend for lunch last week, just the two of us. I got her a Happy Meal.

See, I'm doin' everything I can lately to earn Good Mama points because frankly, I'm not a lot of fun to be around these days, and I figure a few months of outright buyin' her love with sugar, salt, fat, Disney TV and about 4 million rounds of Candyland at which I let her cheat blatantly and never say anything like, "YOU CAN'T JUST DIG THROUGH THE STACK AND PULL OUT THE ICE CREAM FAIRY EVERY TIME, BEAN. THAT'S NOT THE WAY YOU PLAY! FINE THEN, I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU ANYMORE! HMPH!" won't kill either of us, and maybe it'll hold my place in her heart for awhile so the real me can climb back in and reassume my old position when the steel rod finally comes back outta of my you-know-what and I can smile a smile at her that doesn't look like there's rubber cement and a painful jolt of electricity involved.

(I miss bein' Mrs. Nice Guy, people. But havin' a newborn in the house makes me a little bit tense and testy.)

Anyway, the Happy Meal came with a miniature Barbie-ish doll wearin' roller-skates, and this diminutive girl on wheels was proudly sportin' what amounted to a molded plastic bra with short sleeves and the micro-est micro-mini I have ever lain my eyes on. It was actually just a ruffled belt, truth be told. She was showing both her carefully sculpted plastic belly button and about 9 miles of bare leg.

But don't you just know that of COURSE she had on all of her safety equipment, includin' her helmet and a pair of sassy kneepads.

Well, safety first, y'all! We wouldn't want to give kids a toy that might subliminally teach them roller-skatin' without your kneepads (despite the fact that every other square inch of your body was exposed to God-n-everybody) was okay, would we?

We were eatin' our lunch sittin' elbow to elbow with an older gentleman, and we'd been making polite banter with him for a few minutes by the time Bean pulled Skatin' Skirtless Skatin' Scandal Barbie outta her bag, all conversation halted and we both did a double take at the doll, although prolly for entirely different reasons, I'll grant you.

I grabbed Barbie and looked Bean straight in the eye and said, "Bean, before you start playin' with this doll, let me tell you sumpm. SHE DOESN'T HAVE ON NEARLY ENOUGH CLOTHES. Her attire is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE, and her Mama and Daddy would be horrified if they knew she was out in public lookin' like that."

The old man beside us then proceded to laugh so loud and so hard that I thought he was gonna fall off his teal-and-purple molded plastic McChair and onto the brown tile McFloor leavin' me no other option but to locate and employ the McDefibrillator on him.

Days later, Bean's preschool class had Pajama Day, and she got to go to school wearin' her little The Children's Place 100% cotton, 100% modest long-sleeved pajamas with the musical notes and ballerinas all over 'em, the ensemble complemented by her pink elastic-ankled fuzzy slippers.

As we were collecting her back pack and puttin' on her coat that morning, on our way out the door to deliver her to school, Bean looked at me and worriedly wondered, "Mama! What is Daddy gonna say when he finds out I went out in PUGLICK in my bajamas? He's gonna be horriblefied!"

Well, at least somebody takes me seriously, hmmm?

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  1. puglick, bajamas and horriblified?!?!? That Bean of yours is priceless!!!

  2. Just a little tip from a seasoned Candyland player, when shuffling the cards before game time, strategically place the Ice Cream Fairy card about 11 cards into the deck (or any odd number) Bean won't have to dig through the deck, she wins and you can move on to Chutes and Ladders or better yet, Pretty Pretty Princess. Ahhh fun times.

  3. That is too cute! I remember when first talking to my daughter about modesty issues... she came in to me with her Ariel Barbie saying, "Mommy, Ariel's not dressed very modestly, is she?" They're quick! :-)

  4. Oh my McGoodness, too funny!

    (I have heard of a couple other bloggers in the past couple days having a problem with the embedded comments.)

  5. I had the same discussion with my daughter about that barbie. It's best to start now telling them what's appropriate!

  6. What is this world coming too?? The toys these days are pretty suggestive, good thing you have that channel open already with Bean. She is listening apparently!!! good job..

  7. Ok - here's what I tried to say yesterday ---

    I'm laughing my hiney off! Great stuff! That little girl is so cute I could just eat her up!

  8. My comments weren't working yesterday either and it's awful! Anyway - I can just picture this whole event in McDonald's and I bet you made that man's day!

  9. This is cute. Atleast she was listening to ya and it registured.

  10. Way to start young with the whole modesty thing. Since having my baby girl I have been even more aware of all the little girls running around modeling everything my daughter will not be wearing!

  11. Repeating what I said yesterday-

    I laughed so so hard at this, from "Well, safety first, ya'll" to McChair to Puclick.

  12. Hilarious! And I agree, no mini skirts on little girls. Just because you can wear a mini skirt, doesn't mean you should!

  13. I know that doll. We got a similar one last year and since then I check what toys are offered before buying one of those meals.

    I'm really lucky and count my blessings with Princess and Candy Land. For some reason she doesn't care if she doesn't win. She just wants to get as many character cards as possible.

    But... the first time she lost I must have had my thinking cap on because I knew that if she realized that she lost Princess would never play again. From then on we had a new rule in our house: each player gets to continue drawing cards until they reach Candy Castle. Happiness was found and all was right in the realm of gingerbread people.

  14. I was wondering what was going on...

    At least she took what you said somewhat to heart! That Bean is one smart girl!

  15. It is amazing to me the dolls that get marketed for little girls... so sad really, such a quick way to adultify and strip away innocence!!

    Wow, that sounded preachy... but I want my two little girls to be protected from growing up too fast!!

  16. I'm laughing out loud . . . love it! My 2 year-old received that same toy last weekend, and Daddy dubbed her the "roller S-L-U-T". Good thing she can't spell yet!