(Which I was NOT, by the way.)
Because I bought the pictures at HomeGoods.
Which is a fine establishment! I frequent it, um, well, frequently. Prolly about once a quarter I go in there and load up a cart with Goods. For my Home. Because you can NEVER have too much stuff to dust, can you? (Eyeroll.) Nor can you ever have enough bed linens. Bed linens are my Achilles heel. Well, bed linens and throw pillows.
SIGH. OHMYGRANNY, I do love me a throw pillow.
Wait. I'm counting in my head.
I have FORTY SEVEN throw pillows currently in use in my home.
(And they continue to multiply like rabbits, people. By the end of next week, there'll be at least sixty-two. Mark my words. One of those red ones on the sofa's gettin' bigger by the day and looks like she could deliver any minute. I try to keep them separated, but do YOU know the proper way to determine the sex of a throw pillow? Harder than it sounds.)
But back to my story, which constitutes a bit of a warning. Or a public service announcement.
Have you bought a picture or a mirror at HomeGoods lately?
If you have, you're keenly aware that there is a plot to drive middle-class American housewives right over the edge.
And our children, planted firmly at the helm of that plot? Have wised-up and enlisted HomeGoods to help them get the job done.
Oh, it all seems innocent enough on the surface, but look closer. The evidence cannot be refuted:
Those heavy, dense protective cardboard triangles machine-stapled not once but MULTIPLE TIMES into all four corners of every piece.
Those sticky, gunky, once-there, forever-there price tags stuck NOT ON ANY OF THE FOUR HOPELESSLY UN-DETACHABLE PROTECTIVE CARDBOARD CORNERS. Not on the back of the piece. BUT ON THE GLASS. OF THE PICTURE. IN THE FRONT!
So that in order to hang a picture she's bought at HomeGoods, a woman must have the following items on hand and at the ready:
- The picture
- A fancy picture hangin' gizmo or at the very least a rusty old nail she has dug out of the bottom of the toolbox and decided will (have to) do
- A hammer (for hammering in the gizmo)
- A tape measure (For measuring the picture, the wall, the piece of furniture the picture's supposed to be centered over, and the circumference of the belly, just for fun)
- A calculator. (I don't do picture-centerin' math in my head. Actually, I just don't do picture centerin' math, which is why my whole house appears to be leaning just a liiiiiiiiiittle bit to the left at all times.)
- A pencil (For careful marking at first, before the process becomes too laborious and time-consuming and the kids are circling and marking goes by the wayside to make room for good old eyeballin' it and guesstimation, which are, let's be honest, the way about 99/100ths of a housewife's work gets done, in the end. OH, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!)
- A screwdriver (To pry the many staples out of every corner of the picture)
- A pair of pliers (To grip the mangled staples that bent and broke off in the picture frame when you tried to pry them out with the screwdriver)
- The hammer, again (To bang the little razor-sharp shards o' staple that the pliers left behind back into the frame.)
Hold on. I feel the need cuss, just rememberin'.
Okay I'm back.
- Adhesive bandages and peroxide (For First Aid, grrrrrrrrr...)
- A plastic bag with no holes, please. (Good luck finding one) (for discarding the fortyleven stupid shredded staple parts and ALL. THAT. DURN. CARDBOARD.)
- A razor-blade window scraper (To scrape the price-tag off the glass on the front of the picture.)
- Cotton balls and fingernail polish remover or straight acetone (The scraper won't work on these labels. Should have known any plot dreamed up and run by kids would involve at least one sticker that has managed to adhere itself molecularly to a non-sticker-approved surface.)
-Soap and water, nail clippers, more acetone (Careful of those wounds!) (To remove sticky, gooey adhesive from under the nails of both hands and one foot. Don't ask.)
- More soap and water (To clean the gunky, grey cloudy sticker-and-acetone residue off the glass.)
- Windex and paper towels. (To remove the soap and water residue from the glass.)
- One of those wood stain touch-up pens (To re-stain the picture frame where the acetone ate through the finish and left a weird orange mark in the shape of Delaware.) (I think, but I am not geographically-inclined so it could be Oregon, I don't know for sure.)
- An atlas (It was Rhode Island. The coastal edge is a little off, but the resemblance still quite remarkable.)
- Valium (Self-explanatory.)
- Compresses (Hot and cold, for alternating.) (For the brow.) (Also used to wipe black marks off freshly-painted walls from all the measuring, nailing and centering/balancing.)
(Leave all supplies out and available for later use. When hubby gets home, he's going to point out that if you plan to put drapes up in this room, two of the new pictures are too close to the window.)
Hmmm. On second thought, who needs drapes?
(Scratches off another item on her to-do list with a mighty flourish.)