Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Maybe It'd be Easier to Just Do the Whole Thing With the Lights Off?

I have to make this quick because today's Bean's last dance class of this first session, and the final class constitutes the "recital," which means we proud parents will once again be allowed to come into the classroom and watch our darling little ballerinas PRE-FORM some of the things they've learned over the past 5 weeks or so. Which means both of us have to eat sump'm decent and then get all purtied up and I have to figure out a way to make sure I don't forget the camera because if I forget the camera my husband and my mother will join together in outrage to bring me to an early and untimely demise. Neither of them have seen a single photo of our tiny little flower in her dance apparel, and people, hell hath no fury like a proud Nana or Daddy denied the visual gratification of seein' his/her own special 30-pound princess decked out in her saggy-bottomed black leotard and ittybitty ballet slippers.

Yes, you can just imagine, can't you?

But I did have to run by here and tell you before we're swept up in our morning whirlwind of lilac-scented soap and satin ribbons that I have a bit of a punchline to my observation (and your wholehearted concurrance) about the ludicrosity (oh, how I love to make up words, people) of stashing your underpants out of sight at the OB's office.

I went in yesterday for my umpteenth non-stress test, for which I was generously allowed to lie on my side this time because I politely made it quite clear last week that lying on my back on the plywood and Nawgerhide examining table for an hour, strapped and encircled by cables and wires and about 400 yard of Velcro was um, MILDLY RIDICULOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE for a 38 weeks plus pregnant lady of 40 and that I wouldn't be subjecting myself to that particular brand of torture again, ahem ... Dear. Pat pat pat, smile.

Because of the thoughtful layout of the exam rooms, just like the exam rooms in every. single. OB's. office. everywhere, which is to say the layout wherein one has one's nether-regions aimed squarely in the face of anyone/everyone who opens or passes the door, no matter how impossibly far to either side one le-e-e-eans one's knees in effort to realign one's delicate self with the orange CAUTION: SHARPS box on one wall or the Galligan's Guide to Dilation and Effacement for Birth Depicted in Beautiful 100% Pink and Blue Cotton-Fibre Origami poster on the other, I choose, against the nurse's instructions, to wear my underpants during the non-stress test part of my visits because frankly, an hour of airing my bits and buns doorward as I cower under my 2x2 paper towel is about 60 minutes too long, even though I know that in choosing to disobey I'm going to have to have an awkward moment with the doctor, who, in the end, will come to unstrap me from the table and move on to the poking and prodding phase of the investigation, at which time she will look puzzledly at the waistband of my underwear and say, with no small amount of consternation, You're still DRESSED!

(Yes ma'am. If my underwear, shirt and this puzzle-piece of paper "fabric" constitute being "dressed" then, well, I confess to being Guilty as Charged!)

And then I'll have to think up sump'm witty to say to break the tension caused by my rebellion, while simultaneously hopping down from the table and delicately dropping my drawers and tossing them as imperceptibly as possible AROUND the doctor and onto the chair with my other clothing while she stands there waiting.

So yesterday, I said to her as I stripped and flung and hopped back on the table, "I mentioned last week on my blog how funny it is to me that I come into your office each week knowing you're doing to do a pelvic exam, but I still find it completely humiliating for you to see my underwear."

She laughed. Quite a bit. And said, "Really?"

"Yes! And about 20 or so other women agreed with me. Wholeheartedly!"


"You know..." it dawns on her, "I DO THAT TOO! I guess to me, underwear is much more personal than body parts."

"Well, underpants do say a lot about a person."


Keep hidin' your drawers, y'all.

I'm just sayin'.

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  1. How funny that the dr had not even thought about it! Good luck shellin' that peanut!

  2. I'm going to have to ask my doc if she hides her drawers too. And before you know it we'll all be seeing surveys pop up where they ask if you hide your underwear at the doctor's office because it is too personal and private. Look at what you started!

    Don't forget the camcorder this morning. Still photos are fine and all but for her first dance recital you really need to capture some video. If nothing else Bean will be thrilled to watch herself dance over and over again, affording you precious moments to blog, I mean, take care of the Peanut next month.

  3. That is hilarious! So glad that a doctor feels that pain of hiding undies too!

  4. Nice. Way to stick it to the medical profession by keeping those undies on until THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND. :-)

  5. Oh too funny. I always hid mine, too. Now that I've made the switch to birthing at home, it's a whole new world!


  6. I bet she leaves her p's on as long as she can, too. Dontcha bet?

    My doctor, who recently retired despite my protests (!), placed the tables so that the shine would not face the door. Thoughtful, right? And he's a man! Amazing.

  7. That is too funny! I do the same thing, bra and panties folded neatly into pants...luckily my dr has her torture table, I mean examining table pointed away from the door so the left side of my head is visible upon entry.

    Take care, and I hope you share the photos of your precious little ballerina with us too!

  8. When I had to do non-stress tests they always did the "poking and prodding" part BEFORE. That way I could get dressed for the non-stress test and not have to air my bits. :) Maybe if you asked (nicely of course, haha) they would do the same for you?

    Can't wait to see photos of Bean!

    Also ludicrousness is a word. :)

  9. HI-larious!! I did it every stinking time with all four babies. I tucked those suckers WAY down deep :)

    I told my hubby what I did, and he said that his patients (he delivers babies) tell him that they ALL do the same thing. And they feel better knowing his wife does it too -- hey, whatever works, right?!

    Also? Non Stress test is the biggest misnomer in medicine. Just drop the "non" part already and make us all feel better :)

  10. I knew I had the world's best doctors back in SC. My non-stress chest was conducted in a LaZBoy leather recliner while I perused my choice of magazine.

  11. Hee hee! I love it that you pointed it out to her...and that she does it too! I wonder what my underwear says about me...

  12. oh. my. word. i love that your doctor is a woman, and i love that she gets this! i'm exactly the same way!

  13. I have a feeling your Dr really looks forward to our visits. How many of her other patients would discuss underwear with her? For the record - I agree too!

  14. My doc's table is positioned so that my stuff is facing the window! Thankfully, she is on the 6th floor!

  15. Too funny! I wholeheartedly enjoyed this post! I have just one "I get to keep my clothes on" appointment left before I have to start shovin my undies and bra into the leg of my pants and then foldin it up all neat like on the chair... and then worry that someone will walk by and somehow knock my stash off of the chair, revealing my hidden treasures.

  16. You won't believe it, but at the dr.s office where I went when pregnant with Ava, they had a seperate room for the stress test, where they had a somewhat comfy recliner for "mother to be" to sit in, AND I got to be in my regular clothes. I can't wait to hear all about the new bundle, when he arrives!!!

    Love Ya!!

  17. Your concept of this pregancy is hilarious, Its just the thing I need to read at the end of a busy day!!! Thanks for the humor

  18. I'm totally thinking they could have done a whole episode of "Friends" around this.

  19. My little southern baby girl who is all of 3 looked at your header.

    "That looks like an ice cream shop, Mama!"

    I have to agree.
    I could have ice cream with you on that porch swing. While wearing fabulous undies of course!

  20. Okay, I have THE FUNNIEST story to tell about this, and I cannot help myself. Is it true? Is it urban legend? It was presented to me as truth, somebody this person knew, way back when. Whatever, it's still funny.

    Thinking that this older mother was using something like FDS (ahem) in her "nether regions" in preparations for the gynecologist, this person inadvertently sprayed a child's bottle of glitter spray down there instead. Never realizing, she's off to the doctor.

    Down sits the oh, so diplomatic fellow and all he says is, "my, we're fancy today, aren't we?" And of course, she doesn't realize until she is getting dressed again, and she SEES what kind of "fancy" stuff is going on down there! You know we would all want to knock on every door to find that doctor, just to EXPLAIN! "I thought it was FDS!"

    Just gets me tickled every time!

    Your description of getting Bean dressed for ballet actually reminds me quite a bit of getting ready for the ob, too, by the way. It's like going to a fashion show or something... shower gel, lotion, shave those legs, perfume, newest undies, toenails... good grief. The least they could do is NOTICE.
    Come to think of it, my ob did notice - as I gave birth to my first, he actually asked me if I had shaved. In his defense, he was rubbing my legs at the time, in between contractions. Ha, that's a good one, Dr. G! (I seriously loved him to death, but that one will go down in the books!)

    Oh, and yes, I'm with you. The panties get folded and placed UNDER the pants, BEHIND the curtain. I've given up trying to explain that one, it's just the rule, I don't know.

  21. Oh my gosh your doctor's comments on the undies was too funny!
    Hahahahahaha - thanks for cracking me up after a seriously hard day!

  22. This is just too too funny.

    You're a brave one to hold onto your undies until the very last moment. Had 5 babies and never but thankfully never had endure a non-stress test. 2nd daughter was late but decided to make her arrival on the day the non-stress test was scheduled. Dodged a bullet there.

    Praying Peanut makes his debut very very soon.

  23. You rebel, you!

    If you are as funny in real life as you are on your blog, you MUST be one of your doctor's favorite patients!

  24. Haha, I can't wait for those lovely visits towards the end...

    OK, actually I'd be just fine if I could have a baby without ever removing my pants and underwear! :o)