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Sunday, April 20, 2008

I Fear My Subtlety May Lead to Your Asphyxiation

Oh dear.

I've been sittin' here nervously reading y'all's comments on my nostalgic remembrances of road trips with Grandaddy Clover.

And well, I believe that what we have here is a failure to communicate. And it's my duty to rectify any and all misunderstandings spawned by what I'd hoped would be a perfectly harmless and funny yarn, so as to preserve the respiratory safety of you and your family and also save you your nosehairs, which contrary to what you may have been led to believe DO have a purpose besides being just another unsightly nuisance and embarrassment to you in your forties and beyond.

Y'all, I was bein' subtle. Which, as y'all may have noted before, really is not one of my more finely-honed literary (or verbal, for that matter) skills.

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See, when we were meandering along down through South Georgia in Grandaddy's white Olds Toranado with the red leather interior, which even at the young ages of 11 and 7, my sister and I recognized as a pimp car, (Grandaddy wasn't a pimp though, allow me to read that into the record right NOW), we did NOT pass 700 papermills. No indeed. Instead, we were the unwitting - and unfortunate in this case - victims of my Grandaddy's clever wit. And his intestinal reactions (A-HE-E-EM!) to Stuckey's Pecan Log Rolls, which you will surely recognize as THE retro family travel treat if you ever spent any time on highways South of the Mason-Dixon when you were a kid, and bothered to look out the windows at the skillions of billboards singing their praises.

I will spell it out so as to avoid any further confusion on this vital matter: Most of the noxious gases in that Toranado came directly from Grandaddy Clover, not from the transformation of pulp-wood into paper.

PEOPLE: Do not open your car window when you drive past a papermill. What comes in stays in; it is a matter of physics, or you know, something scientific that I learned and have subsequently forgotten along with Avagadro's number and the molecular weight of xenon. And as many of you have pointed out, papermill STANK will either straighten or curl your hair, depending on its natural state (your hair's, not the STANK's), and I do not recommend inhaling said STANK in large, windblown quantities under any circumstances.

Also, the word gullible is not in the dictionary.

6 comments:

  1. Stuckey's pecan log rolls- that made me laugh and laugh.

    I lived in a paper mill town when I was a kid and I remember that smell vividly. It would get stronger when the wind was just right.

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  2. You're so believable, though! :o)

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  3. What did I say about not being smart? I'm blushing over here - downright gullible I am! The funny thing is , I'm a touch bit sarcastic myself. You'd think I would recognize it!

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  4. Well, I'm certainly glad you cleared the air on that one!!!!LOL

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  5. ah, gotcha!
    that will teach me to read a little closer, even those funny stories that seem innocent enough...
    I didn't think I was really THAT much of a dumb blonde. ;)

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  6. I just posted another comment on your pimento post, but this one is a must-comment as well. I said before that I grew up in Florida and my grandfather actually worked at a papermill until he retired........ And let me just say that Stuckey's pecan logs bring back lots of fond memories. Oh, to be a kid and live in the south again. I think I'm going to write a post teaching all these non-southerners where I live how to make sweet tea.....

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Thoughts?