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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Even So, I Did Finally Extricate Myself from the Lycra™ and Get What I Went in For

Right before I discovered those Pretzel Dogs, I popped into Motherhood™ Maternity for what was supposed to be lightening-fast drive-by to pick up some Preggie Pop Drops and a Bella™ Band.

Well.

There really is no such of a thing as a lightening-fast drive-by in Motherhood Maternity. Their definition of clever merchandising is "pack the precious pouchy-fronted fashions in that joint so tight and so maze-like that an 80 lb. female track star with a minor in ballet couldn't get through the racks quickly or gracefully, much less a clumsy, lumbering pregnant woman carrying an extra 45 pounds and a purse-full of Tums."

A-yep. That there's how they get you.

You can't rush by the racks with eyes averted - you have to actually look at all the cuteness in order not to become hopelessly entangled in the sweet little bow-tie tails on the back of all-things empire-waisted and poofy-sleeved.

And that's how I ended up in the dressing room trying on two armloads of gargantuan pink dresses, tops, and barrel-wasted capris, and one brown and turquoise (OHMYGRANNY I'M HYERVENTILATING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN) two-piece maternity swimsuit, through the leg-holes of which you could easily drive a Vee-Dubbya Bug. NOT KIDDING, PEOPLE.

Actually this was my second couple of armloads full, this batch that included the ill-fated (foreshadowing!) swimsuit, and thus the husband and Bean had run themselves out of things to look at in the WHOLE MALL and had returned to my current location to pester the dickens out of me keep me company while I tubbily and humbly stuffed myself into one adorable-on-the-hanger-but-pathetic-on-my-actual-amorphous,-sausage-like-body springy garment after another, the whole while feeling less and less good about said body, and, coincidentally, imparting another 600 kilowatthours worth of static electricity to my hair with each lamentable clothing change.

How is it that one head of hair can simultaneously laminate itself to your head AND stand up to form a perfect geosphere?

I greeted the family and they found a chair to perch themselves upon while I tried on the remainder of the clothing and modeled the few of them that didn't make me look like Henrietta Hippo from The New Zoo Review. By the time I'd gotten to the bottom of those two armloads and was attempting to summon the courage it'd take me to stuff myself into the swimsuit, Bean was IN the dressing room with me, asking me the requisite 400 blue-billion questions in a row that began with What's Dat, Mama? and ended with And can I slide down the frog's tongue at the poo'(l) when I go dere fer my swimmin' lessons when it gets hot ousside TOOOOOOOOO? Puh-leeeeeeeeease?

And I answered and pulled and tugged. Tugged and pulled. Squoze, pinched, puckered and gasped my way into that swimsuit. Took one look at myself and quickly decided I'll be wearing SHORTS and a SHIRT to the poo' this year.

Or perhaps capris. And a refrigerator box.

And that's when it happened. I began wrestling myself back out of the swimsuit and had gotten a very great majority of it off of me when Bean decided DADDY needed to give his opinion. In slow motion (I see a lot of things in slow motion now that I have a three-year old. Why IS that?) I saw her little Beanie-hand reach out to grasp the flimsy dressing-room curtain and felt the cold breeze upon my vast expanses of pasty white nakedness as she WHISKED that curtain aside, announcing with glee, TAA DAAAAAAAAAAA! WOOK AT DISSSS! Whereupon I did my very best roly-poly impression, hunching over in a motion so quick it was nearly imperceptable, while retracting all four awkward limbs into my thorax and attempting to make everything but my buck-naked back disappear behind my legs.

Of course Al sprung into action, tossing aside some essential manual for accountants he was nerdily studiously poring over and flinging the curtain closed again, all the while both of us are yelling "BEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEAN! NO, HONEY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I heard some smart-aleck know-it-all WOMAN say "And THAT'S why I leave MINE at HOME when I go shopping," just as I was passing out cold from humiliation and perhaps a lack of circulation to my extremities, my cottage-cheese-coated haunches still tangled up in the bottoms of that swimsuit, and my hair framing my bleached-white-face like a shaggy cue-ball.

You know, I bet that lady doesn't even HAVE a blog.

34 comments:

  1. Oh no! You do have me laughing out loud at the thought of this! You just gotta love her!

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  2. I turned red for you as I was reading that one. I assume you will be not trying anything on for a while! That Bean has some character!

    Katie
    Forgot my password again!

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  3. Kids.you gotta love em. somebody HAS too! This is too funny, but I am embarrassed for you at the same time. And your right, that know it all woman couldn't have a blog. What does she blog about if she leaves her kids at home?!!

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  4. I'm laughing SO hard over here - and one of my kids did EXACTLY the same thing to me, although I wasn't pregnant at the time... yeesh, kids!

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  5. And you know what? Even if she did have a blog, I would not read it! So there!

    Oh and don't worry about those "cottage-cheese-coated haunches" because I've got them and I'm not even pregnant.

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  6. oh my...your story killed me.....but the last line was the BEST. You go girl.

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  7. What good is she without a blog, girl? I totally know how you feel! Snotty remarks at the pregnant woman store should be banned. BTW, Hubbers calls them the "fat store". Yeah, he's a real keeper...

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  8. I read this to my husband & we were both cracking up. You sure know how to paint a picture. Sorry for your embarrassment but it made a great blog note...We are still laughing!!!! Bean is so cute, can you imagine what Peanut will be like???

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  9. Only you, Megan, only you! You paint quite the picture - I'd have loved to have been there to see it!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    M

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  10. Oh that is so not fair. You can't write things like this when I am secretly and sneakily reading your blog at work! How do I explain my sudden inexplicable burst of laughter to my boss?!!?

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  11. At least when you're wearing your capri pants and refrigerator box, your hair won't be a laminated geosphere! *grin* Three year olds...gotta love 'em.

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  12. I know that brown/turquoise suit. I even attempted to try it on myself. I didn't know "bikini" bottoms could be SO BIG! Gosh! I know why it's important to get a 2-piece preggers suit (quick removal at the potty!), but I still bought the black one-piece with a white stripe across the rib-cage.
    It's better than a refrigerator box. :o)

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  13. Oh, so very funny. I linked you for that one.

    Mary, mom to many

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  14. LAUGH OUT LOUD HILARIOUS! You know the more you have the more these comments roll off those kind people's lips?! Try Costco in a retirement town with a cart full. It's ALOT of fun! Hee Hee

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  15. oh, that was too funny. Sorry it was at your expense.
    Hope you are feeling well and love hearing about the 'ol preggie days. Do enjoy it!

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  16. First time here via Mary at Owlhaven. Definitely will NOT be my last visit.

    The situation: bittersweetly hilarious.

    The storytelling: Fantastic. You did a great job of taking me there with you. I could almost feel the breeze as the curtain whipped open.

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  17. Oh, that's too hilarious--and reminds me of many an anguished moment in the bathroom at the pool!

    ~Jeanne

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  18. OH NO!!! I think everyone with little kids has had a similar issue in public restroom. I keep telling mine I am keeping a list so that I can do the same stuff back to them when I am 80 and they are taking care of me. My 6 year old son thinks it will be funny but I keep telling him that his wife will not!
    Welcome to the embarrassed mommy club!!
    Frugal Carol

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  19. Want to feel better?

    Imagine being in the same precarious position but it is the child of the mom in the dressing room next to your's that decided her mommy needs to model something to daddy, but said child is outside the dressing room and pulls aside the wrong curtain revealing the mostly naked pregnant body of a first time mother.
    If only I had a blog back then.

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  20. You do the best "most embarrassing moment ever" stories!

    Keep havin' these moments, so you can share all about them - would ya?

    LOL

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  21. Oh, that's so funny! (I'm sure you'll think so later!) I got a really cute maternity swimsuit from Motherhood last year, and I loved it! It was a one-piece, that looked like a tankini, and I wasn't due until December, so I wasn't huge...don't think I could've worn it much past September!! :)

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  22. Oh, Honey! I wanted to laugh, but it just turned into a long moan of commiseration! On a side note, I hope I never end up being the snotty know-it-all woman in somebody's blog. Of all things she could have said...He-llooo?!

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  23. I hate to laugh at your misfortune but OH MY GRANNY (to quote someone I love dearly) this is something that would ONLY happen to you. You know I love you!

    That woman though? Urgh. I would have said something to her. She probably spends more time shopping and preening herself than paying attention to her kids anyway. Some people really tick me off!

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  24. oh I'm laughing so hard my whole family just wanted to know why.

    i didn't tell them, don't worry!

    :-)

    did you get the bella band?

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  25. I can see it perfectly - if you have kids, you don't even have to try hard!

    Jack came in the dressing room with me tonight, and proceeded to laugh quite loudly for most of the time. I kept trying to push him into the corner, thinking to myself, "honey, this is one memory you will NOT want to have floating around in your brain one day." :)

    And they were just shirts, anyway, no one panic.

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  26. OHHH! You poor thang.

    But at least we get to retell if afterwards.

    I have memories of taking the Boy and Girl as toddlers into Fredericks to try on bras. Yeah, that went well. Come to think of it, I may have blogged about that too.

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  27. What is Motherhood thinking, putting CURTAINS up instead of a nice, sturdy door? With a lock. (Not that little people can't figure out how to use door handles....)

    I got my maternity suit at Sears. Second pregnancy, and I still like it. And even though the cottage cheesiness was still there, I somehow managed to feel not quite so whale-ish in that thing!

    Happy trails!

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  28. Oh my gosh! Funny Bean--she just wanted to show off her pretty Mama! I swear Motherhood's layout is designed to keep away people who have already had a kid. There's no getting a stroller through that tiny crammed store. I ended up buying most of my "maternity" wear from the Junior Plus department at JC Penney's--lots more room there!

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  29. Okay, I just linked here from BooMama. If she recommends it I know it's good stuff. :)

    I loved your "(foreshadowing!)" and how that purse full of Tums kept you from maneuvering gracefully through the racks. I love your writing - This story is sooo great (and I'm so very grateful that it isn't mine!).

    I'm off to add you to my blogroll right now - b/c I don't want to miss any more here than I already have. :)

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  30. Oh goodness. Wheezing from the laughter here. We moved to the beach last summer--which happened to be the same summer I was endowed with a gargantuan baby belly of my own. Carrying a toddler in one arm while sporting that beach ball under my (maternity) swimsuit wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind when I envisioned living here. But, goodness me, I never had all my pregnant glory shown to the masses, girl. Are you ready for TWO of those kiddos????

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  31. First time reader...zipped over from BooMama.

    I had to comment...you have quite a way of expressing yourself. this was hysterical. I don't think LOL does it justice.

    I plan on poking around a little more... =) Happy Easter!

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  32. Lands sakes alive, woman! I almost woke up my sleeping family with this post.

    Instead, I laughed silently and inwardly and I now have abs of steel.

    Too bad they're covered under all that extra skin that three babies will bring. Feh.

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Thoughts?