Here's what I'm thinkin'. I'ma put a Mr. Linky registration sheet down at the bottom of this post and y'all can sign up to just come on up/over/down and stay with me in 3-4 day shifts for the next five or six months.
'Cause we're home from vacation now and OHMYGRANNY, people, I am in what we Southern gals like to call A State.
First off, Mama is BEYOND TIRED. After running on all of my own personal cylinders and a couple I borrowed off a check-out lady at the grocery store in Hilton Head while I was in there buying massive quantities of bottled water and Gas-X, to keep up with, for a week, my CRAZY INSANE NEVER-STOP-FOR-A-MINUTE mother and sister (and our six attendant kids), then surviving TWELVE HOURS of car, airport and airplane travel-time capped off by being BARFED on by my lovely Bean LITERALLY AS WE PULLED UP TO OUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT, YES, I am currently unable to muster even a fraction of an ounce more energy than it takes to fall over/off the side of my bed and crawl haltingly to the potty and back. That is all. Slather me with butter and slice me on the diagonal, folks. I am TOAST.
Secondly, after having been surrounded by no less than 9 other people (at a time) who share common genes with me, whose obscure thought processes and yay, even senses of humor (the night Al, Bean and I arrived, my sister came out with the most incredibly hilariously BAD choice of words to describe a piece of cheese dangling off my nephew's lip as we were all horking down Grandmama FriedOkra's Hamburger Casserole and we were all sent into convulsions of embarrassed, scandalized but gleeful giggles that continued to erupt periodically for the rest of our stay) bear striking (and occasionally scary) resemblance to mine for a full week, coming home, even in the company of my two most favorite people (and funniest, too) in this world, has left me excruciatingly lonely. I can't really even begin to capture the feeling in words although my mom used the word BEREFT for how SHE feels right now and that seems like a pretty good start.
Also, my house is in that just-got-back-from vacation shambly state and there's nothing to eat here, and me? I'm busy being worn out and pathetic, so I cannot be expected to address those two issues.
So y'all will need to band together now and come pick up my pieces and put me back together. And entertain my forlorn daughter who, without her 5 young cousins, is tripping over her own chin her poor face is so long and sad and pathetic. So bring your kids, too, please.
And something sticky and sweet, preferably baked with loads of cinnamon and covered in cream-cheese frosting. Ahem. Available at airports and malls nationwide at a place whose name rhymes with Pinnabon.
And magazines, too, but PLEASE, no magazines that feature skinny, fashionably-dressed women, because those WILL NOT HELP ME AT ALL. Bring me magazines about um ... cows. Cows wearing seam-straining frumpy, dumpy clothes that aren't quite big enough to cover their large bovine bellies. Cows with huge, saggy udders and bloated, drained-looking faces. Yeah, those I'll be able to relate to very well.
Heck, I could be the Cover Cow for one of those magazines.
What? You DON'T wanna come cook and clean for the tired, lonely cow with the exposed belly button and the saggy udders?
Well, okay, but could you at least send your kids and a couple dozen Classic Cinnabons?
Seriously, I do have a lot of stuff to tell you and show you from vacation. I'll rest up this weekend and be back with pictures and stories next week. In the meantime, I have about 962 of YOUR posts to read and comment on, so I'll be around!