I have to confess to y'all that amidst all of my favorite, most inspirational and energetic blogging buddies, I've been feeling a little meek, humbled and insignificant.
Take a look around at the ladies (and one gentleman) I read every day and you'll find all sorts of new, exciting and edifying ventures in blogging, loving parents adopting beautiful children whose lives they'll change forever with their selfless touch, people that I have grown to know and consider friends writing beautiful, thought-filled, God-filled posts to challenge and inspire me to learn more, give more, be more involved in the lives of the world's poor, be more diligent in caring for and growing and preserving marital love and respect. You'll discover parents pouring themselves into their children's care and instruction in every facet of life from learning to be responsible and disciplined stewards of God's gifts to mud-puddle-jumping to worshipping and honoring Christ through drama and writing.
Meanwhile, yours truly sits. And reads. Awestruck and amazed, but left sorely disappointed in the effort I'm putting into life lately, and embarrassed to be in your company at times, my jaw perpetually agape at your discipline, strength, energy, compassion, creativity and perseverance.
And I wonder sometimes - where's mine, God? Where's my passion, my drive, my enthusiasm, my service to others? In the same months that these people have been taking the world by storm in the name of very worthy causes and thought, why am I just here, tired, sick and stagnant, watching and wishing? Why must I be satisfied that the beds are made, the child is dressed and fed, the house is liveable, the laundry under control and there's a meal on the table most nights? Why is my brain stuck in a loop, repeating "Come on 20 weeks/Spring/6:45 pm/bedtime!" instead of focusing on higher priorities and loftier goals? Why do I not have more to give than the acceptable minimum? Is that minimum acceptable to me? To God?
There are easy answers. It's just not my season - I'm doing my part by sitting on the sidelines, cheering and praying and occasionally stepping out of my own fog of self-pity to offer up an encouraging word or two. I'm busy growing a baby - and creating another human, well, that's creativity at its best. I'm resting up for the onslaught of a newborn baby to care for and all the accompanying tiredness and emotions he or she will bring.
Whether or not I can accept those answers and limitations and continue to just be still and wait - that's the quandry I'm in.
But I'm happy to do my pondering in the company of so many busy, passionate, deliberate, Spirit-filled people. Surely among you I won't go completely stale, my spirit won't shrivel to nothing - you'll rub off on me, or at least plant your seeds of inspiration for my next growing season.