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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It Isn't Funny, But It's Real

I have to confess to y'all that amidst all of my favorite, most inspirational and energetic blogging buddies, I've been feeling a little meek, humbled and insignificant.

Take a look around at the ladies (and one gentleman) I read every day and you'll find all sorts of new, exciting and edifying ventures in blogging, loving parents adopting beautiful children whose lives they'll change forever with their selfless touch, people that I have grown to know and consider friends writing beautiful, thought-filled, God-filled posts to challenge and inspire me to learn more, give more, be more involved in the lives of the world's poor, be more diligent in caring for and growing and preserving marital love and respect. You'll discover parents pouring themselves into their children's care and instruction in every facet of life from learning to be responsible and disciplined stewards of God's gifts to mud-puddle-jumping to worshipping and honoring Christ through drama and writing.

Meanwhile, yours truly sits. And reads. Awestruck and amazed, but left sorely disappointed in the effort I'm putting into life lately, and embarrassed to be in your company at times, my jaw perpetually agape at your discipline, strength, energy, compassion, creativity and perseverance.

And I wonder sometimes - where's mine, God? Where's my passion, my drive, my enthusiasm, my service to others? In the same months that these people have been taking the world by storm in the name of very worthy causes and thought, why am I just here, tired, sick and stagnant, watching and wishing? Why must I be satisfied that the beds are made, the child is dressed and fed, the house is liveable, the laundry under control and there's a meal on the table most nights? Why is my brain stuck in a loop, repeating "Come on 20 weeks/Spring/6:45 pm/bedtime!" instead of focusing on higher priorities and loftier goals? Why do I not have more to give than the acceptable minimum? Is that minimum acceptable to me? To God?

There are easy answers. It's just not my season - I'm doing my part by sitting on the sidelines, cheering and praying and occasionally stepping out of my own fog of self-pity to offer up an encouraging word or two. I'm busy growing a baby - and creating another human, well, that's creativity at its best. I'm resting up for the onslaught of a newborn baby to care for and all the accompanying tiredness and emotions he or she will bring.

Whether or not I can accept those answers and limitations and continue to just be still and wait - that's the quandry I'm in.

But I'm happy to do my pondering in the company of so many busy, passionate, deliberate, Spirit-filled people. Surely among you I won't go completely stale, my spirit won't shrivel to nothing - you'll rub off on me, or at least plant your seeds of inspiration for my next growing season.

34 comments:

  1. Not that it's any consolation, but I know exactly how you feel. And I tell myself the same things about seasons, and growing a human, and all. And I have a daily battle between what my head wants to do and what my body is able to do. Like me, I doubt "lazy" is in your vocabulary, so I also doubt that your spirit will shrivel, and you'll be this stagnant forever.
    Here's hoping, my fried friend, that you (and I) won't feel so fried forever. :o)

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  2. {{{hugs}}} Megan, you are enough and are doing enough. Please go and read this post; it is exactly right:
    http://www.jenlemen.com/blog/?p=327

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  3. Big hugs for my friend Megan. I have my days....you have yours. I doubt any of us are quite on track EVERYDAY!
    You already gave the answers I was going to give.....I fall sort or knowing exactly what to say to put your heart at ease.

    I do know....beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are making a significant difference in the life of those you love.

    hugs!

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  4. I know exactly how you feel - and I feel the same way...but you're not lazy. :) When I read the posts of some of those folks I feel so inadequate and small.

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  5. What???? Your beds are MADE???


    Mary, mom to many

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  6. Megan - you aready answered this- it's not your time! Sometimes when you have a young child are pregant and feeling generally crummy, it is a huge accomplishment to have that child clean and dressed. If you get dinner made and the house picked up, you are doing great! Besides that - I think you do more and mean more to people than you think! I have been moved by many of your posts in the past and feel I can't live up to you!

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  7. Growing that baby and taking care of your family is a huge, huge, HUGE calling. Don't you forget that.

    I would also like to add that it's 5:52 and I have nothing cooked for supper. I'm letting the little man take a way-too-late nap b/c I am exhausted, and I am praying 8:00 will get here soon so I can go to bed.

    I feel ya, sister. :-)

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  8. Ironically, sometimes the hardest seasons are the ones where God asks us to just sit and be still and know that He is God.

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  9. Megan, I think your passion, drive & enthusiasm, & service to others, is still there, all of us who so diligently read your blog must agree that you give far more than you think you do... so just rest for a time, your busy with other important things like growing a child, for pete's sake...

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  10. I can completely relate to your stuck in a loop, getting through the day feeling. Thank you for sharing.

    Days with young kids can be exhausting and mind numbingly boring at the same time. But even if you do not feel like you are doing much, you are giving your child what she needs most at this time.

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  11. My dad always, always reminds me that the reason I don't feel like I'm creative at all while I'm pregnant is because my body is doing the ultimate in creativity - making a whole human with their mysterious life streching ahead of them. THere's time for the other stuff later.

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  12. Heck, enjoy this season while I am running around like a mad woman. There are times I miss that time in my life. It will never come back. Know I appreciate you (even though you are only my bloggy friend). :)

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  13. These could be my words, except I don't even take time to read or write journals every day anymore. So I'm even lower on the change the world totem pole right now.

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  14. I have been in this season too. It's hard when the babies are small ... or not even here yet ! (that's really small !!) I remember people telling me that I was doing the most important job there was, raising kids, and while I believe them ... it didn't make things any better. I always tried ( still do ) to enjoy every day. Childhood only lasts for a while and I want my kids to enjoy it. I want them to love living life. Like I do. I think they do. I also did a lot of socializing in my house when the kids were little. I found there were lots of other Mommy's feeling like me ... hanging together helped. Encouraging others, encouraged me. And now, the kids are 6 and 4 ... all grown up ! Ha Ha. Not really ... but it's heaps easier. Jono is at school and Alia is great to just do what I do. Life is really different now. But, I still tackle it the same way. Enjoy every day. Love living life.

    There you have it ... my 2 cents.

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  15. YES! You're busy growing a baby!! No need to say more.
    Did you read this? http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/02/apples-and-oran.html Do!
    Think about you lots. You've got a big job. Stay well and happy!

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  16. You are not alone! I did the same thing when I was pregnant with the girls. I consider myself a fairly crafty person, but when I was pregnant, I didn't have the desire, patience, energy or creativity needed.

    We had just moved into our house a few months before I found out I was pregnant, and I still needed to decorate (hang pictures, arrange furniture, etc). My mom lived with us for a few months at the beginning of the pregancy because I wasn't allowed to pick up Reece.

    She tried to help me with the decorating ("Just tell me where you want to hang the pictures and I will!"), but I didn't even have what it took to tell her where to hang them!!

    It was really a couple of years after the girls were born that I "regained" my creativity. I remember thinking "wow, I need to make something!" And I haven't really stopped since.

    Just hang in there and grow that sweet Peanut. Your drive will come back!!!

    Hugs

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  17. Well, what can I say that hasn't already been said?

    You ARE doing hard work. Some of the toughest we are called to as women. I don't think any of us truly comprehend all that is happening within us as cook those babies. The drain on us physically, emotionally, and - yes - spiritually is overwhelming.

    I felt the *exact* same way for the majority of AJ's pregnancy. Honestly, I felt pretty useless. Sorta like my entire being was being "used" so much to grow a child that I didn't have much of anything left to give to anyone else. It's during these times that I find the most comfort in remembering the truth that there is nothing you can do to make God love you any more or any less! His approval of you has never and will never be based on what you do. He's in love with you because of who you are! He delights in your very existence and I am confident He applauds your willingness to take part in His divine plan for creating life.

    Hang in there, friend. You are accomplishing His purposes in the "smallest" of ways today, just by being you.

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  18. Like you said, you are busy growing a baby. Thats a big and tiring (did I sp that right? it looks funny) task. You will have your energy and inspiration back soon

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  19. Being a mom, caring for home and family IS a calling and a ministry...you're SO right. It's a SEASON, and we hurry through it...enjoy it while you have the opportunity!

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  20. You were right. Our posts are a big of a twist on the same theme.

    We're both asking why can't I do more. This week I'm burning the candle at both ends trying to keep up because I got an answer, an opportunity to step up at work. Oy! You would think that I'd learn to beware of what I wish for.

    And then I read your blog about spending time with Bean and that Peanut growing inside and I feel so jealous. Take comfort in knowing that we all have a special role in God's plan, no matter how small or large at the moment.

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  21. I don't comment often on the mommy aspects - because I never was blessed with being a mommy. It is easy for any of us to read the blogs and articles and think everyone else is superwoman and I'm the comic sidekick! You are a doggone nice piece of the world to many out here in the blogosphere! be nice to yourself - one of my favorite reminders is "this too shall pass" - whether sweet and wonderful or not - nothing is the same forever. Thank you for sharing these feelings - I'm sure more people than the ones who commented know how you feel -

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  22. Exactly! You are doing something -- something BIG! God is using you to bring a new life into this world -- something that so many women can't do. But God has called you! I know your other bloggy friends would agree with me -- we love you, whether you're sitting on the sidelines or not. And frankly, that's what you need to be doing. Because God has entrusted you with this little life inside of you and you need to take care of both of you! {{hugs}}

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  23. girl! don't sweat it... you have a ginormous life to live!!

    we come here and read bc we adore you! and, comparing won't get us very far at all.... you gotta strive to be the YOU that God made YOU to be, otherwise we will miss out on the blessing of you.

    :)

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  24. I just found your blog today and I just want to encourage you. In the sight of God...your family is first.

    Take a moment and really breathe that in. You are the world changer honey. You shape and mold the world every day through your faithful ministry to your husband and children. Much love and hugs to you today sweet girl.

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  25. I'm sorry if this is repetitive, because I didn't read the other comments... but may I remind you that you are doing the hardest, most spirit-filled work of ALL?!? You're growing a new soul, hon! I am amazed that you cook dinner an make beds... I know you've been feeling really sick. I don't think I made dinner once in my last pregnancy... poor Adam was on his own or it was take-out for my poor family night after night.

    I love you, and you've often indspired me.

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  26. Wow. You have some wonderful support coming your way from the looks of all of these comments! I always feel just a tad insignifigant (did I spell that right?) adding my blurt to the bottom of the list whenever I visit. :-)
    You may find it ironic, but I'm encouraged by your struggle, Shug. It lets me know that I'm not the only one who has to work at finding security and peace in the midst of frustrating circumstances. I have to remember that God is my source and that He invites us to cast our cares on Him. Now if I could just remember to leave my worries with Him instead of picking them right back up......

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  27. Sounds like you know all the answers, so why repeat. I think what you need is a big ol' "IT'S OKAY!" to reassure you, shouted from the housetops. I don't think God is impressed by our attempts to gain His favor - if He has something else for you to do, He's mighty capable of bringing it to you. Don't chase the wind, honey.

    Maybe this is your time to just be His daughter. Like you said, maybe it's a time to "shore up" for what's to come. He's not a slave driver, after all... But sometimes we're more comfortable in "servant" mode, like the Mother who can't stop serving long enough to enjoy a meal with her grown kids. ;)

    So, sit awhile, and enjoy the feast.

    (and lest I sound wise, I seem to recall a woman in this very household holding a two week old baby, bawling her eyes out in the dark as she rocked him, because SHE was not the one feeding her family that night... SHE wasn't the one "out there" serving at church or even GOING to church for that matter! we feel your pain, Megan! it's called MOTHERHOOD.) :)

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  28. I totally get this. And so much wonderful words have already been "spoken" here. That growing belly is a huge reminder of God's work.

    And before you said it, I was thinking "there is a season for everything".

    Hugs,
    K

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  29. You are one amazing woman Megan and don't you EVER forget it! I can't even begin to tell you of the times you have lifted me up with your heapin' helpin' of Fried Okra. You are so real and have so much to give. And you DO!! Give it all to Jesus, girl. He'll take care of everything!!!!! By the way, he's so proud of you right now - don't doubt it for a minute.

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  30. What Owlhaven said!!!

    And it is your time - it is your time to be at home and enjoy beds that are made and a meal on the table and clean laundry and wait for spring. Cause, sista, you got a BABY, and there's not much cooler than that! You don't get to see what's going on in there, and I know that makes you feel all pukey and tired and such...but there's a lot of designin' and growin' and lovin' goin' on! And soon enough you'll have your chance at dirty laundry and sleepless nights! ;)

    Hugs!

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  31. Just chiming in to say that you WILL get your energy back one day...this won't last forever! Your hormones are really doing a number on you, and you're in a season where you just have to wait it out. But your former perky, motivate, inspired self WILL RETURN.

    You know I've been through the hormonal wringer myself lately, and I can't believe the difference I'm feeling even one day post-D & C, as all those pregnancy hormones are reverting to normal.

    I actually felt like making dinner tonight--and we've been living on frozen pizza! So those hormones are not to be underestimated, and I am IMPRESSED that you're making dinner and making beds--a lost art, indeed. Something I must teach my kids before they leave home. :)

    ~Jeanne

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  32. I don;t comment often but I do read.... I have to say that while you may feel that your posts are not too important right now, I think you are mistaken. Just this one post really hit home with me. This is how I feel all the time! And you will get your energyu back and all of the fab things everyone else has already said to you! Keep posting! I love to come by and visit...

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  33. I read once that nowhere did it say the Proverbs 31 Woman did all those things at the same time. Thank God.
    Besides, growing a baby, raising a baby, and being funny at the same time takes a lot out of you!

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Thoughts?