Pages

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Don't Read This if You're Skinny

Michelle at My Semblance of Sanity tagged me for a meme, and although I don't usually do memes these days because I don't really do much at all these days, sadly, I thought I'd do this one since it's extremely simple AND since I owe y'all a heapin' helpin' of FriedOkra, such that if I did every meme that came down the pipe from here to eternity I'd prob'ly still be beholdin' to y'all for some time to come.

Here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages.)
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Link back to the person who tagged you.
6. Tag five people.

Fancy this, y'all. The nearest book to me is Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Dr. Glade B. Curtis, OB/GYN and Judith Schuler, M.S. And the reason that it's the closest book to me, I'll be honest witcha, is because it's the ONLY book close to me except for Al's accounting textbooks (you don't want me to quote you three sentences out of one of THOSE, do you?) which are currently stacked all around both of us in our bed, which incidentally I haven't left except to eat and go potty for the past nearly 48 hours. Yes, seeeriously. But I am happy to report that I feel mucho better tired-wise, and I'm dressed and quoiffed and made-up enough to go meet friends for coffee in a few hours, and I am really looking forward to that outing, even though it's (Jen, this is especially for you) forty-leven degrees below zero out there and gettin' colder by the minute.

So lemme see here. Mmm-hmmm page 123. Got it. Oh goody! It's about nutrition in pregnancy. This should be worth a laugh or two.

Fifth sentence. Get this, y'all.

Neither of these two people were apparently ever pregnant!

"Some protein foods you may choose, and their serving sizes, include the following."

Hold on. I'm already laughing so hard I can't make out the next lines.

Ahem. Okay.

"Chick peas (garbanzo beans) - 1 cup."

Oh heavens. I'm laughing again. Are y'all who've been pregnant laughing with me?

A CUP? of BEANS? Seriously?

"And then please seclude yourself in a well-ventilated but private area for the next three to four days, because starting exactly 6.2 minutes after you've consumed the first bean, you will begin to blow up like Veruca Salt. The only means of deflation available to you will be inviting HUGE elephants to run back and forth under your chair in rapid succession, elephants which coincidentally smell a lot like partially digested chick peas. And broccoli."

You're right. It doesn't really say that. But it SHOULD. What good is this book to me if it doesn't adequately convey the consequences of completely idiotic actions like eating a CUP of CHICKPEAS?

"Cheese, mozzarella - 1 ounce."

Okay. An ounce of cheese. Lovely notion that. WHO EATS MOZZARELLA CHEESE IN ONE OUNCE SERVINGS? Certainly not pregnant women. We eat it by the pound. (Preferably on pizza.) Which might explain why we never ever poop. Also we never poop because we can't eat fiber. See "chickpeas" above.

"Chicken, roasted, skinless - 1/2 breast"

Chicken. GAG. Can't do it. Did y'all loathe chicken when you were pregnant? It seems common.

"Eggs - 1."

Alright. I can probably do an egg.

WHOOHOOOOOOO! Looky here, folks:

"Hamburger. Broiled, lean. - 3 1/2 ounces."

Okay if I dress it up in a patty melt, slather it with mayo and mustard and consume it in a minute and a half along with a bucket of sweet slaw and a side of fries?!?!

No?

Sigh. Drive on, driver.

"Milk - 8 ounces."

Can I get a "-shake" on that, please?

Yeah. This was the book closest to me.

What? Oh, no. I don't READ it. It's just there to keep my frosty mug of rootbeer with the bobbing molten globs of chocolate ice cream from leaving a ring and my bowl of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from leaving a sweat-stain on my bedside table. I used it for my first pregnancy, too and my bedside table stayed so clean and shiny - it is a very helpful little volume, indeed!

Occasionally I even take a look at the "Healthy, Optimal Weight Gain for Pregnancy" charts and have me a good belly laugh. Oh land. How does someone who is perpetually nauseous gain 10 lbs. in 14 weeks? Huh?

Don't answer that - especially if your reply rhymes with "Mepause, Hegan, soo nar reeting nall dat micedream and cracaroni-n-freeze, sunny!"

There are some things a woman in my condition just duddn need to hear.

I feel like I may be among the last of the bloggers who haven't participated in this little meme, but if you haven't done it, consider yourself tagged, okay? Oh, wait, I WILL tag my nephew, Daniel, and my niece Olivia, because I KNOW they both love books and will enjoy blogging about their current reads.

That is all. Pictures from the beach SOON!

18 comments:

  1. My guess is that book was written by a man, and a skinny one at that! That's just crazy talk!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your description of the results from eating chickpeas had me rolling!!!!!
    When I did this meme, I ended up quoting Pligrims Progress. Now isn't that exciting...but not nearly as fun as chickpeas!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am just dyin' laughin' heah, honey! You're too dang funny!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm new to your blog and you had me rolling with this post - especially since I gave birth to our daughter last week! I totally hear you with the chicken. I could not stand it while prego but insisted that my husband stop at Chick-Fil-A on the way home from the hospital after giving birth.

    ReplyDelete
  5. At least all that belly laughing is good for some abdominal exercise. See, you're getting exercise even though you spent the past 2 days in bed!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh. My. Lawd! That was so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  7. too too funny! And true... the chickpeas had me giggling. I have actually never even seen this meme before!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You had me with the chickpeas! I was laughing with ya. Heeelarious! I can relate. Sadly, maybe strangely, I never did manage to gain 14 lbs. in the beginning. Bright side: you found a good use for 2 otherwise useless books!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Megan,

    I think you need to look at publishign yourself...you are getting out loud chuckles form me lately and this is very hard to do. I love reading your blog so much. You are delightfully optimistic, witty, and opening candid (but not in a pessimistic way---in a real-life, glass half full way) and I soooo enjoy checking in on you everyday. You have a real knack for this blogging thing and you inspire me!

    Heather and Cami

    ReplyDelete
  10. Schmoops! Fry tink My dust pet try plants!

    Good to have you back! Oh and by the way, I responded to your comment (on my blog) with another comment - never got the e-mail that usually comes with comments. (weird)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah! Yes, pregnancy eating books just are so... off the mark. I remember once in my first pregnancy my husband suggested chicken for supper and I threw up on his shoes.
    Second and third pregnancies? He stopped asking about chicken.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm impressed at least you have the pregancy book near by, I never did read one... but then that was eons ago. maybe they didn't write one yet... You are to funny, I agree with the other Megan, you need to write your own book...

    ReplyDelete
  13. I AM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Pregnancy and healthy portions should not be words in the same sentence!
    RIDICULOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I lived and died by my "What to Expect" book with D. Not sure whatever happened to it after that . . . it had all kinds of awesome suggestions for a healthy pregnancy, too. Most all of them laughable.

    Glad you are feeling good enough to share some of your classic Fried humor!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Funny! I made it a point not to consume anything more nutritionally available than the salsa over my daily heaping helping of liquid cheese nachos when I was pregnant. That's what prenatal vitamins are for right?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hope I'm not being too hokey, but I gave you an award on my blog...Stop by when you get a chance, Shug!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I remember that book...I read it and followed it for about the first 24 hours after I found out about Meghan!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ok I just about peed my pants when reading about the chick-peas & cheese.
    I firmly believe that anyone who has ever written a pregnancy book cannot have ever been pregnant. Women who have carried a child would NEVER write such drivel!!

    ReplyDelete

Thoughts?