Here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages.)
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Link back to the person who tagged you.
6. Tag five people.
Fancy this, y'all. The nearest book to me is Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Dr. Glade B. Curtis, OB/GYN and Judith Schuler, M.S. And the reason that it's the closest book to me, I'll be honest witcha, is because it's the ONLY book close to me except for Al's accounting textbooks (you don't want me to quote you three sentences out of one of THOSE, do you?) which are currently stacked all around both of us in our bed, which incidentally I haven't left except to eat and go potty for the past nearly 48 hours. Yes, seeeriously. But I am happy to report that I feel mucho better tired-wise, and I'm dressed and quoiffed and made-up enough to go meet friends for coffee in a few hours, and I am really looking forward to that outing, even though it's (Jen, this is especially for you) forty-leven degrees below zero out there and gettin' colder by the minute.
So lemme see here. Mmm-hmmm page 123. Got it. Oh goody! It's about nutrition in pregnancy. This should be worth a laugh or two.
Fifth sentence. Get this, y'all.
Neither of these two people were apparently ever pregnant!
"Some protein foods you may choose, and their serving sizes, include the following."
Hold on. I'm already laughing so hard I can't make out the next lines.
"Chick peas (garbanzo beans) - 1 cup."
Oh heavens. I'm laughing again. Are y'all who've been pregnant laughing with me?
A CUP? of BEANS? Seriously?
"And then please seclude yourself in a well-ventilated but private area for the next three to four days, because starting exactly 6.2 minutes after you've consumed the first bean, you will begin to blow up like Veruca Salt. The only means of deflation available to you will be inviting HUGE elephants to run back and forth under your chair in rapid succession, elephants which coincidentally smell a lot like partially digested chick peas. And broccoli."
You're right. It doesn't really say that. But it SHOULD. What good is this book to me if it doesn't adequately convey the consequences of
"Cheese, mozzarella - 1 ounce."
Okay. An ounce of cheese. Lovely notion that. WHO EATS MOZZARELLA CHEESE IN ONE OUNCE SERVINGS? Certainly not pregnant women. We eat it by the pound. (Preferably on pizza.) Which might explain why we never ever poop. Also we never poop because we can't eat fiber. See "chickpeas" above.
"Chicken, roasted, skinless - 1/2 breast"
Chicken. GAG. Can't do it. Did y'all loathe chicken when you were pregnant? It seems common.
"Eggs - 1."
Alright. I can probably do an egg.
WHOOHOOOOOOO! Looky here, folks:
"Hamburger. Broiled, lean. - 3 1/2 ounces."
Okay if I dress it up in a patty melt, slather it with mayo and mustard and consume it in a minute and a half along with a bucket of sweet slaw and a side of fries?!?!
Sigh. Drive on, driver.
"Milk - 8 ounces."
Can I get a "-shake" on that, please?
Yeah. This was the book closest to me.
What? Oh, no. I don't READ it. It's just there to keep my frosty mug of rootbeer with the bobbing molten globs of chocolate ice cream from leaving a ring and my bowl of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from leaving a sweat-stain on my bedside table. I used it for my first pregnancy, too and my bedside table stayed so clean and shiny - it is a very helpful little volume, indeed!
Occasionally I even take a look at the "Healthy, Optimal Weight Gain for Pregnancy" charts and have me a good belly laugh. Oh land. How does someone who is perpetually nauseous gain 10 lbs. in 14 weeks? Huh?
Don't answer that - especially if your reply rhymes with "Mepause, Hegan, soo nar reeting nall dat micedream and cracaroni-n-freeze, sunny!"
There are some things a woman in my condition just duddn need to hear.
I feel like I may be among the last of the bloggers who haven't participated in this little meme, but if you haven't done it, consider yourself tagged, okay? Oh, wait, I WILL tag my nephew, Daniel, and my niece Olivia, because I KNOW they both love books and will enjoy blogging about their current reads.
That is all. Pictures from the beach SOON!