Sunday, October 28, 2007

Mmmm-hmmm! Howzzat Baby Bootie Tastin'?

I just read Beck@Frog and Toad are Still Friends's post (Friends's? Huh?) about a cute little uninformed, innocent comment made by an acquaintance of hers who doesn't have kids. She also shared a few of the innocent beliefs she held about babies and children before hers arrived on the scene. I laughed, I nodded, I smiled, I jumped up and down and said, OH YES GIRL, TELL IT, SISTER, AMEN! (poink poink poink)

And then, because I'm me, and I always gotta have sump'm' to add, because I'm a joiner, and a bandwagon jumper and all that, as I may have mentioned sometime in the very recent past, I thought up a few of my own.

Here's a list of my mostly glaringly ill-advised, pre-conceived notions about babies, children and parenting that have been not-so-delicately fed back to me in huge, slobbery mouthfuls. And that now make me roll my eyes in jaded disgust at my own, well, jaded digustedness.

1 - If my baby/kid ever cries in a restaurant, I will ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY remove it to the outside so it doesn't disturb other diners, because TSK! How inconsiderate to make other people listen to that! RUDE RUDE RUDE.

2 - Parents who say they need to put the kid in front of the TV so they can take a shower just don't have much control over their kid. Lazy parenting! TSK.

3 - I will always be a soft-spoken and unobtrusive parent in public. Not like the lady yelling, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, don't do that Jeffrey! Don't put that in your mouth, Jeffrey! No Jeffrey. NO JEFFREY! Put it down Jeffrey! PUT IT DOWN I SAID! I SAAAAAAAAAAID PUT! IT! DOWN! Come back now. COME BACK HERE! JEEEEEEEEEEEFFFRRRYYYYYYY! GET BACK HERE NOW! You know that lady? Yeah? Me too. (Points finger at own chest.) Right here.

4 - TSK! BOXED MACARONI AND CHEESE? WITH CUT-UP HOTDOGS? FOR MY CHILD? I would NEVER. (We eat all of our meals together. How did I think I was going to keep Bean from wanting some of mine?)

5 - OH NOOOOO! Listen to that sweet little child crying and crying and CRYING and wailing, all over Target. I just want to help that poor little child, his mother just must be a horrible SHREW for him to be wailing and crying like that. Poor poor little sweet child, I wish I could go scoop him up and comfort him. Sniffle. (MMM HMM. You know who I want to go scoop up and comfort when I hear that NOW, don't you?)

6 - Geez. People and their kids' (airquote)FOOD ALLERGIES(/airquote). So ridiculous! Kid's gonna grow up to be a major sissy!

7 - Oh sure! Use your child as an excuse to cut out early. Like the kid's going to dissolve into a puddle of useless seething goo if you don't get it home for it's little nappy poo. LAME! Whose life is this anyway? If you wanted to stay, you'd stay! TSK!

8 - Do people with kids have NOTHING. ELSE. IN. THE. WORLD. TO. TALK. ABOUT???? For cryin' outloud! And since when was POOP an acceptable topic of conversation?! That's just GROSS!

9 - Oh, he's always saying how (airquote)AMAZING(/airquote) his kid is. How (airquote)life altering(/airquote) being a parent has been for him. GEEZ. How silly! It's just a KID, y'know?

10 - Why do people try to use LOGIC with their kids? Why don't they just say NO and leave it at that? All that blah blah blah blah... just wastes time and the kid doesn't get it anyway! Sheez. I can't wait until I'm a parent, I just think it's going to come so naturally to me. Most people make it look so hard, but it doesn't have to be hard... you just have to know what you're doing!!

Those are the biggest ones on my list? Have any of your own?

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Whooohooooooooo! I figured out what to give away tomorrow, too. I can't wait!


  1. Most of mine are on your list, too. Particularly the crying in the restaurant one. Oh, that was BIG to Kyle and I. Hee hee.

    Yep, parenting is easy if you know what you're doing. Thing is, I don't think a one of us DOES know what we're doing!

    It's all so easy when you're parenting an imaginary child.

  2. Oh, Megan. Thanks for the HUGE laugh today. You know I needed it. Good medicine! I've said many of these same things.

  3. That was so funny! Ah yes, how wise we all are before actually having children!!

  4. I think you about covered it! Hilarious.

  5. OH MY GOSH, these were funny.
    I actually found myself yelling at my children in Walmart the other day. The transformation is now complete.

  6. Great list!

    Here's one that's not so much about how to parent, but rather one of my pre-baby notions about parenting: babies sleep a lot. The books say they do. Mine didn't (still doesn't), or at least not nearly as much as the experts say she should! :-)

  7. Yup, I thought all those things, and now I am living the opposite!If you actually hold onto any of those preconceived notions about parenting after you have one, they completely vanish after having two.

  8. Don't tell but I STILL love macaroni and cheese with sliced hot dogs. It's my white trash love affair.

  9. I just nearly choked on my juice! Spot on! Got one to add....

    Just how tough can two kids be? You've already got all the equipment, you already know what to do, it can't be that hard...can it?

  10. I loved those. My sister doesnt have kids and I can hear her in every one of these, but I love her to pieces. Thanks for the laugh this morning

  11. That is so funny-
    I vividly remember being in a restaurant before we had children. There was a little one acting up and my husband and I both looked at each other thinking-What is wrong with those parents- all they have to say is no.
    Well now we have eaten those words and then some!

  12. All very, very true--then you become a parent and you are thrown into the reality of what you will need to do to stay sane!

  13. Fantastic list! And how did you know Chewbacca's real name is Jeffrey?

  14. I used to hate people on planes with screaming babies. I used to think there was something they could do to stop the crying. And then I was the parent on the plane with the screaming kid.

  15. Megan, I missed this little bit of reading enjoyment here at your blog.

    I've got plenty of my own as well.

    Of course, I'm perfect so none of them changed after I had kids...






  16. What?

    I'm not supposed to talk about Poop?

    I didn't get that memo, dangit.