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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mexican Spaghettiberry Casserole? I'm Stayin'!

I wanted to post twice daily this week and I'm barely managing to scrape together enough fodder for one measly, unsatisfactory post per day. What's a girl to do? Bean and I've been laying low since Monday to recuperate from all the comp'ny we've had over the past month. Comp'ny which has had a considerably lower threshold for boredom than do the permanent members of the household, I might add, thus requiring actual activity and stimulation on a nearly DAILY basis, thus leaving us pooped out and in need of quiet seclusion for several days. Alas, not much happens in seclusion, even if you squinch up your face real hard and will it to.

*Grunt* Something. Blogworthy. Please. Happen! *Grunt* See? Still nothin'.

So we're just gonna have to throw ourselves back out into the world today and make things happen, I suppose. Our first foray back into civilization will BE! THE! GROCERY STORE! We haven't grocery shopped (other than the trip for milk while Nana and Poppa were here) since... wait lemme look at the calendar... Saturday, August 18th. So we're gonna be there for awhile. Maybe even need one of the BIG RED BUGGIES this time! We go to this popular-among-the-locals employee-owned warehouse store not too far away, and a trip to Woodman's will surely provide us a morning of entertainment, because this place is Heee-UGE. I am not exaggerating (much)(though I believe it perhaps has come to your attention by now that I may be somewhat given to hyperbolizing from time to time) when I say that you could comfortably plop the average chain-operated grocery store into just the bakery and produce section of our local Woodman's and have room left over for a Starbucks® or two (which wouldn't be a bad idea, actually, come to think of it).

But it's not overwhelming in its hugeness, because it's relatively well-laid out except the produce section which, can you say Corn Maze on speed? And everything seems to be where you'd expect it to be, too. Except for maybe the Jello®, but that's a problem in any grocery store because really, it's a difficult to pin down the exact most logical location for the boxes of sweetened, colored ground horse hooves that people stir into boiling water and then chill until congealed into jiggly faux-fruity goodness for the whole family, y'all. Really, something that rare and unique should have its own aisle, truth be told. Or maybe at least just share one with the Spam®.

Been shopping at Woodman's long enough now that I've built myself a little template on my counter top computer. Whenever I run out of something I just scurry over here and pull up my shopping list template and plug it in before I forget what it was I ran out of. The template is arranged such that when we shop, we can go from the top of the list to the bottom (spanning two or three columns) in order, starting in the frozen foods and dairy sections while we're still warm from the outdoor temperature in the summer or still wearing our coats in the winter, because the frozen food and dairy sections of this store would make a hot-natured polar bear cry for its Mommy. We're out of there as quickly as humanly possible, hobbling on frozen, nub-like feet. Sometimes the chattering teeth and all the shivering and the very real threat of frostbite cause me to skim the list too quickly and miss an item or two, which means we have to GO BACK IN when we get to the little opening at the end of the ethnic foods aisle. Mah-ahm? Why we g-g-g-goin' back in DERE? Iss too c-c-c-COL' in DERE! I'm steew fwozen fum wass time.

Once off the tundra for good, we swing by and grab a jar of sunflower butter in the organic and specialty foods lane and set about defrosting in the household cleaning and laundry sections and then make a bee-line to my favorite place in the whole store, the coffee, tea and hot cocoa aisle. OH THE AROMAS. And the various varied varieties. AND THE AROMAS. A whole aisle dedicated to coffee and tea and chocolate, people! A BIG, LONG, WIDE AISLE. Oh, it is a thing to behold. And besmell. Now, when Al's with us, he can spend up to 15 or 20 minutes pondering all the teas. He's a label-reader and a price-comparer and has STRINGENT TEA CRITERIA which must be met, BUT he is also prone to experimentation AND listens to Public Radio, where he gathers up-to-the-minute information on which organic whole green teas grown in what fields in the lowlands of Assam will enhance his mental/physical/metaphysical performance to the greatest degree. With all those factors to consider, the man spends more time picking out his weekly ration of tea than he spent picking out, oh, say, his wife. BUT, this affords his comparatively hastily-selected wife the time to stand (okay, lie prone, as long as no one's looking) before the coffees and inhale until her eyes bug out.

After we've satiated our respective hot beverage Joneses, we move through the next aisles quickly before cautiously approaching the dreaded produce area, which as I have mentioned, threatens every time we're there to devolve into a mango-and-rutabaga slinging free-for-all, because the aisles are too narrow and the produced stacked too high for safe and peaceful maneuver-age by anything larger than the runt of a large litter of dust mites, yet everybody still has to park the big old cart RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF THIS CHERRY TOMATO TOWER so as to more closely scrutinize, sniff and fondle the goods prior to purchase. And while one shopper fondles the cherry tomatoes, another's stuck by default staring at the 2 foot long shrink-wrapped English cucumbers. And you can look at that second shopper and KNOW that she's about three seconds from snatching up one of those cukes and using it as a weapon. Move AWAY from the cherry tomatoes and no one gets hurt. Yes tension runs HIGH among the fruits and vegetable aisles. We eat a lot of frozen produce around here.

Last stop are the health and beauty aisles, where Bean's non-stop running grocery-related commentary goes from adorably charming to wickedly humiliating while her voice simultaneously increases by 15 decibels. WOW! DASS THE BIGGESS BOX O' PAMPONS I EVER SEEEEEEEEEED! ISS HEEEEEEEE-UUUUUUUUGE! and YES WESS GET DADDY SOME EXTER DEODOWANT MAMA, HE'S STA-A-ANNN-KEEEE! PEE-EE-EEEE UUUUU... YUCKYSTANKYYUCKYSTANKYYUCKYSTANKY! and GASSEX? Mama, WASS GASSEX? WHY WE NEED ALLA DAT GASSEX?

Um. Maybe we don't REALLY need to go grocery shopping today. After all, I've got my post now, and the whole rest of the day to figure out what I can make for dinner with a jar of Strawberry All-Fruit, a packet of taco seasoning and half a box of whole wheat vermicelli.

20 comments:

  1. This just goes to show that you don't need anything big and exciting to blog about. A trip to get groceries can be hilarious!

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  2. Well you've just explained my day. If you do decide your family won't eat Fruity taco pasta, maybe I'll see you there! And Tracei thought I was the only one to compile my list like that. Ha Ha.

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  3. you crackin me up, woman.

    the only thing better than sitting at Starbucks sans-child sipping on your fave concoction is getting to hang out in an aroma-filled coffee aisle. Oh, the bliss.

    Now I must go post about jello immediately.

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  4. Megan you bring a smile to my face every morning I read. I just pictured you and Nicki walking through Woodman's with your lists. I might have to get that little template of yours to use.

    Tracei :)

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  5. That was so funny - and so very realistic! Have you ever seen that Seinfeld comedy sketch where he describes the person going into the grocery store, determined, at a fast clip, jaw set...
    Then, you see the same person again IN the store, eyes gaping, jaw slack, wandering aimlessly, overwhelmed by the endless variety...
    That would be me. It doesn't help that there is a Starbucks in my Kroger.
    Thanks for the laugh... and the comment!
    I'll be back when I have more time to browse, can't wait.
    Jen

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  6. I also have a grocery list on my computer. I don't think that I could make it without a list - ESPECIALLY when all the kids go shopping, too. When they come along, I can hardly remember my name, much less all the ingredients for the dinner (that I won't have time to make since we've walked around the grocery store for 3 hours!!!)

    I made one for my mom to use in her local store, but she's not much into lists! Oh well - her loss!

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  7. If you're a good enough writer, you can make ANYTHING interesting...even the fact that your cupboards are bare is funny. :)

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  8. You haven't gone grocery shopping in eleven days? How have you not starved to death yet?

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  9. You have a lot to say for having nothing to talk about!

    Love to hear Bean 'talk' on your blog. She's adorable!!

    I think your dinner sounds good. I love me some spicy strawberry jelly.

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  10. You described Woodman's perfectly! Love shopping there, but why does it have to be so cold? Thanks for making us smile!

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  11. Thanks for the laugh! I had my list all made out and the grocery store totally changed it's layout! Took me wwwwayyyyy longer than usual to shop - with two in tow, might I add. Gotta redo my layout on the computer now.

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  12. thanks for the comment...and... it's not just anybody that can throw around words like miscombobulation. You go girl. hee hee

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  13. You'd go nuts going with me at the grocery store. I have been known to stare at my choices for long periods of time (much to my husband's chagrin), put stuff in my cart, change my mind about it 10 minutes later and go back to that aisle to switch it. I'll drive 25 minutes each direction just to save a few bucks. Not anymore though - I think I'm free of all that crap! xoxo Julie

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  14. For not having much to talk about, you sure pulled together quite a post! LOL.

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  15. Ha, that was so funny! My favourite aisle is the health and beauty aisle and for some reason the laundry/cleaning aisle. I hate cleaning, but I love cleaning products. I think I may have mentioned before somewhere my excitement upon discovering a green apple scented dishwashing liquid! And yes, I know that I am weird!

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  16. Hilarious! I love to grocery shop but, I must be alone. I love "Bean" talk.

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  17. Oh too funny! :) Kids always seem to comment on the most embarrassing items, don't they? You never hear a kid say, "Wow, what a big box of corn flakes!"

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  18. That does it. I'm coming to visit, and we will make a day of this Woodman's place. I would probably enjoy it more than a trip to the mall. LOL!

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  19. I'm so grateful for free cookies at the store's bakery. They keep Princess's mouth full during grocery shopping trips that she doesn't have time for commentary.

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  20. Silly BEAN!! Love the toddler voices. Thanks for the laugh!

    I set my grocery list up in the style of our local grocery. It works SO well!

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Thoughts?